Two small but powerful words – Part 2
Last month’s blog, Present and Hear, was Part 1 of this two-part series. We specifically explored the word “present.” Being present was defined as a “continual openness to connecting.” It is an attitude of the heart that takes risks to preserve connection in the relationship.
“You don’t build a bond without being present”
James Earl Jones
This blog (Part 2) will discuss the importance of being “here” for our partners. In my book, I define being here as “consistently making time for connecting…we reserve time and space for our partner.” Being “here” is a much more physical act. We accomplish it with our embodied selves, whereas being present is something we do within our spirit or inner selves.
I qualitatively studied foster parents and their attachment experiences during my doctoral dissertation research. A qualitative study collects the stories and experiences of the participants in a narrative format. This involves hours of interviewing, recording, transcribing (which I could not have finished without my wonderful wife), and analysis of transcript pages. This is all done to pull out the themes related to the research subject of foster parents’ attachment experiences. I am so grateful for what the foster parents in my research taught me about attachment and love in relationships.
Rose (not her real name) was one of the foster parents I had the privilege of meeting and interviewing. As you read her words below, try to hear her voice expressing her understanding of the need to make herself consistently and physically available to the foster children in her care.
“I think at first, they [foster children] don’t receive it very well. Like the two new ones I got now, the twins, I don’t think the new little boy receive very well. But now he’s showing more affection than his sister is. I don’t think he ever got any love either. But now I think he’s gasping for it. He-he’s really wanting more, the more you show him, it seems like the more he needs. He is really soaking it in like a sponge. It makes me feel good. It makes me think that I am doing my part…I think they know that I am here. They know that I would do my best to protect them from anything. I tell them that. I tell them that I’m always here.”Rose
Foster mom
Rose worked hard to be consistently available to the children in her care. As they slowly began to trust her physical availability, they would “soak it in like a sponge.” They were hungry for connection. In part 1 of this blog, we talked about Attachment Theory and how, as human beings, we have an innate drive to seek connection and security.
The primary way to have that security is to know someone will be physically available to us – they will be here. John Bowlby, the father of Attachment Theory, called this our Secure Base. It is an anchor point we can always physically return to when the world feels unsteady.
The need for a Secure Base continues into adulthood, and our marriage partners can and should serve as an anchor point in the winds and waves of life. Ultimately, these efforts at connections help solidify trust and commitment. The foster mom, Rose, who consistently made herself close and available, helped the kids in her care develop trust in her commitment to them. As marriage partners, we can do the same by being present and here for our partners.
So how can we really live out providing that physical proximity, promoting security and stability?
- Make regular time to talk and connect.
Committing to a regular time to check in and talk is the bedrock of healthy marriages. We need face-to-face communication. God created you with a deep desire and need to be in physical proximity to others. In marriage, our eyes meet when we sit close, facing each other. We regularly need these times when we look each other in the eye and talk. My recommendation for most couples is at least 20 minutes, three times per week. - Find mutually fun activities for both of you to engage in together regularly.
When I offer my live Revolutionary Marriage Conference, one of our significant experiences is to create a ‘menu’ of choices for fun, connecting activities. The idea here is to remind us that we have shared interests that we can pick and choose from for connection. Maybe you like games, taking walks, going to the zoo, or working on puzzles. Should you consider the hobby of painting, reading a book together, or completing a home improvement project? There are so many options; we need to get our brainstorming juices flowing and make the list. - Have “micro-dates.” These are much more important than “date nights.”
Many marriage conferences suggest that couples should have regular date nights. I agree that date nights can be beneficial, but if these are the only activities we rely on, we will struggle with consistency and disappointment. What if we cannot coordinate schedules or we get sick? What if the great night we planned just happens poorly due to unexpected circumstances? If we put all our eggs in the “date night” basket, the gamble might not have the expected payoff. We need to have many more lower risk, “micro-dates.” These are little ways to connect that are low cost, spontaneous, and require small time commitment. Here just a few ideas: hug, kiss, holding hands, playing a game, walk in the park, picnic, grabbing an ice cream, quick trip to the gym for a couples yoga class, or cooking a meal together.
Our physical proximity to our partners increases feelings of trust and commitment. This promotes security and stability in the marriage. We have great power in two little words – Present and Here.
That is how to live out commitment. Consistently connect – with no barriers between us. We reserve time and space for our partner.
Revolutionary Marriage, Dr. Mark DeYoung
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