Nova the #TherapyCat October 2024 Edition

I love the name my human parents gave me – “Nova”. It is an astronomical word, describing the sudden brightening of a star. It is an explosion of light. I hope I can bring you a little “light” in these blogs. And as Nova the #TherapyCat, I am glad to get to share with you stories and insights about my growth and maturing. I am always going to be playful and full of energy. My kitten spirit is not going away. And this month I am excited to introduce you to Moose – the new four legged friend in the house. Welcome to Nova the #TherapyCat October 2024 Edition.

What is this large and loud object that rolls across the floor? My human parents pass this hose extension all over the floors. How do you feel when you experience something new? It makes me both afraid and curious. My human father says new stuff is stimulating because it is interesting. It is also not uncommon to have a mix of emotions when see or try new things. Maybe like me, you feel fearful and curious, or maybe you feel surprised and excited. We probably should not give up on exploring new things in our life. As for me I am planning a sneak attack on this odd thing. I will successfully attack and deactivate it. I will let you know how it goes in a future post.

This tunnel is my favorite place. It is a spot for feeling safe and planning sneak attacks. Everybody needs a safe space. I recommend you find a space in your home or in a nearby park, a place you can sit and rest. But don’t let it become a permanent spot to hide. You gotta make some sneak attacks. You need to contribute to the joy, excitement, and newness in this world. Where would we all be if there was no surprise? I am a master of surprise. Just ask my human mother. I can make her jump at least once a day. So here is the takeaway – Don’t use your safe spaces for isolation. Rest. Recharge. Jump into life, make sure everyone knows you exist, and show you are alive!

Sleep is one of my favorite things. Now, we cat folk need more sleep than you human types, which makes sleep no less Important for you guys. I get as much sleep as I can, and I highly recommend it. What is your sleep schedule? Are you getting enough? One of my top recommendations as Nova the #TherapyCat is to get regular and consistent sleep. Find you a cozy soft space, get comfortable, and get some rest!

This is me wrapped up in some Amazon packing paper. I bet you get some of this stuff at your house regularly. I love this stuff. It’s noisy, and it hides all sorts of surprises. It’s fantastic that something so plain can bring so much joy. I think we can all benefit from finding joy in small things. Can you try that today? Look around your house or step outside for a walk and look for some of the small things. My human parents were telling me the other day about hearing the calls of the screech owls in the park near our house. I am sure that sound is pretty sweet (of course I might not mind getting my paws one of those little birdies, heehee).

Introducing Moose

This is Moose. He is a greyhound mix, and he belongs to my human sister. She adopted him from a local shelter and surprised me by bringing him home. He is pretty cool. I stalk him, but he mostly chases me. He thinks he is pretty intelligent, but he does not understand the superior intellectual nature of cats. I let him believe he can catch me, but I always escape. I have to be careful and not allow my superiority make me feel all prideful and arrogant. Moose is my friend. Here is the lesson from Nova the #TherapyCat – Have fun with all the new friends in your life, and always treat them with kindness and respect.

I hope you have enjoyed Nova the #TherapyCat October 2024 Edition. I look forward to seeing you in a few months.

Present and Here

Two small but powerful words – Part 2

Dr. Mark DeYoung, marriage therapist,  experienced marriage therapist, Dr. Mark DeYoung, LMFT, online therapy, online counseling, Online Marriage and Family Therapist, Local therapist, Top rated counselor near me, Fort Worth, Texas, Virginia, Arizona, Florida, 817-988-8242, relationship crisis, marriage crisis, marriage therapy, BetterHelp, growtherapy, talkspace, Gottman Method, Gottman, top rated counselor, top rated therapist, best therapist, best counselor, experienced therapist, friendly therapist, happy marriage, relationship therapy, parenting, family therapy, marriage therapy, marriage advice, strong family, strong marriage, love and marriage, couples therapy, couples counseling, onlinetherapy, regain, attachment therapist

Last month’s blog, Present and Hear, was Part 1 of this two-part series. We specifically explored the word “present.” Being present was defined as a “continual openness to connecting.” It is an attitude of the heart that takes risks to preserve connection in the relationship.

“You don’t build a bond without being present”

James Earl Jones

This blog (Part 2) will discuss the importance of being “here” for our partners. In my book, I define being here as “consistently making time for connecting…we reserve time and space for our partner.” Being “here” is a much more physical act. We accomplish it with our embodied selves, whereas being present is something we do within our spirit or inner selves.

I qualitatively studied foster parents and their attachment experiences during my doctoral dissertation research. A qualitative study collects the stories and experiences of the participants in a narrative format. This involves hours of interviewing, recording, transcribing (which I could not have finished without my wonderful wife), and analysis of transcript pages. This is all done to pull out the themes related to the research subject of foster parents’ attachment experiences. I am so grateful for what the foster parents in my research taught me about attachment and love in relationships.

Rose (not her real name) was one of the foster parents I had the privilege of meeting and interviewing. As you read her words below, try to hear her voice expressing her understanding of the need to make herself consistently and physically available to the foster children in her care.

“I think at first, they [foster children] don’t receive it very well. Like the two new ones I got now, the twins, I don’t think the new little boy receive very well. But now he’s showing more affection than his sister is. I don’t think he ever got any love either. But now I think he’s gasping for it. He-he’s really wanting more, the more you show him, it seems like the more he needs. He is really soaking it in like a sponge. It makes me feel good. It makes me think that I am doing my part…I think they know that I am here. They know that I would do my best to protect them from anything. I tell them that. I tell them that I’m always here.”

Rose

Foster mom

Rose worked hard to be consistently available to the children in her care. As they slowly began to trust her physical availability, they would “soak it in like a sponge.” They were hungry for connection. In part 1 of this blog, we talked about Attachment Theory and how, as human beings, we have an innate drive to seek connection and security.

The primary way to have that security is to know someone will be physically available to us – they will be here. John Bowlby, the father of Attachment Theory, called this our Secure Base. It is an anchor point we can always physically return to when the world feels unsteady.

The need for a Secure Base continues into adulthood, and our marriage partners can and should serve as an anchor point in the winds and waves of life. Ultimately, these efforts at connections help solidify trust and commitment. The foster mom, Rose, who consistently made herself close and available, helped the kids in her care develop trust in her commitment to them. As marriage partners, we can do the same by being present and here for our partners.

So how can we really live out providing that physical proximity, promoting security and stability?

  1. Make regular time to talk and connect.
    Committing to a regular time to check in and talk is the bedrock of healthy marriages. We need face-to-face communication. God created you with a deep desire and need to be in physical proximity to others. In marriage, our eyes meet when we sit close, facing each other. We regularly need these times when we look each other in the eye and talk. My recommendation for most couples is at least 20 minutes, three times per week.
  2. Find mutually fun activities for both of you to engage in together regularly.
    When I offer my live Revolutionary Marriage Conference, one of our significant experiences is to create a ‘menu’ of choices for fun, connecting activities. The idea here is to remind us that we have shared interests that we can pick and choose from for connection. Maybe you like games, taking walks, going to the zoo, or working on puzzles. Should you consider the hobby of painting, reading a book together, or completing a home improvement project? There are so many options; we need to get our brainstorming juices flowing and make the list.
  3. Have “micro-dates.” These are much more important than “date nights.”
    Many marriage conferences suggest that couples should have regular date nights. I agree that date nights can be beneficial, but if these are the only activities we rely on, we will struggle with consistency and disappointment. What if we cannot coordinate schedules or we get sick? What if the great night we planned just happens poorly due to unexpected circumstances? If we put all our eggs in the “date night” basket, the gamble might not have the expected payoff. We need to have many more lower risk, “micro-dates.” These are little ways to connect that are low cost, spontaneous, and require small time commitment. Here just a few ideas: hug, kiss, holding hands, playing a game, walk in the park, picnic, grabbing an ice cream, quick trip to the gym for a couples yoga class, or cooking a meal together.

Our physical proximity to our partners increases feelings of trust and commitment. This promotes security and stability in the marriage. We have great power in two little words – Present and Here.

That is how to live out commitment. Consistently connect – with no barriers between us. We reserve time and space for our partner.

Revolutionary Marriage, Dr. Mark DeYoung

Present and Here

Two small but powerful words – Part 1

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I am often asked what sets my book, Revolutionary Marriage, apart from other books on marriage. I did want to write a book that offered a fresh view of Christian marriage. Though I introduce many unique ideas in the book, I want to focus on two ideas in these next two blogs. I want to discuss two small but powerful words – Present and Here. These two words form a foundation for stabilizing a the experience of commitment in marriage. This blog entry is part 1 and focuses on the word Present.

In my book, I define Present as “a continual openness to connecting.” It means making yourself available. Why is this important? What does this look like?

Why is this important?

The reason for being Present and Here is that we are neurologically wired for connections in relationships. This attachment system is a hard-wired drive that pushes us towards safe connections (attachments) to increase our feelings of security. First described by John Bowlby in the middle of the 20th century, the attachment system was thought to be an instinctual drive for the good of infants and young children. The current thinking is that attachment is a drive that occurs across our lifespan and shapes our relationships.

Dr. John Bowlby introduced the “internal working model,” a roadmap for relationships formed from our earliest relationships (often our parents). If our earliest relationships were safe, stable, and predictable, then the roadmap in our minds allowed us to evaluate and trust future relationships based on the framework from our earliest attachments. If our early experiences in life came from unsafe, unstable, and chaotic relationships, this early roadmap would often lead to distrust and expected insecurity in future relationships.

This is why being “present” and continually open to connecting is so important in marriage. Let’s consider the marriage of a couple with different attachment roadmaps. There is a husband who grew up in a home where the earliest attachments were unsafe and chaotic. His mother left the home and never came back into his life when he was two. His father was and angry alcoholic and married a new “mom” who was strict, and verbally abusive. As this man grew into his teenage years he did everything possible to stay away from home and he left as early as he could to get away. The wife in this marriage grew up in a highly controlled home. To outsiders, her family looked loving, peaceful and well connected. But for this woman, the rigidity of the household often made he feel like she was not good enough and she struggled with significant self-doubts.

“You don’t build a bond without being present”

James Earl Jones

This husband and wife find each other in their mid-20s. She is attracted to his rugged independence and seeming lack of rigid control, while he is attracted to her ordered lifestyle and kindness. As they start to share life, all goes well initially. They are good friends, and they enjoy spending time together. The “opposites attract” principle initially works in their favor. But life and the stresses of managing a new household, including the addition of a child, begin to stress the marriage. He feels pressure to provide financial resources to cover expenses and keep up with their lifestyle. He pours himself into his work, using the old attachment road map of grit and withdrawal when relationships become chaotic. The added pressures of being a new mom and keeping the household clean and orderly are causing the old demons of self-doubt to creep in for this young wife. His increasing time away for work reinforces these feelings of insecurity. Any attempt to discuss this growing disconnection escalates into a fight, making him want to move away and her feeling more like a failure.

When each partner in the marriage risks choosing to be more present in these circumstances, then connections can be restored. By risk, I mean that they open themselves to the possibility of connections, knowing they might be rejected or disappointed. Though it is possible to be hurt emotionally when we risk being present, the only hope for reconnecting is to maintain and communicate an availability to connect. Being present is essential because it restores connection, solidifies commitment, and increases feelings of security.

What does this look like?

So, how do we demonstrate our openness to connection? It means taking risks for both sides of any connection. There is the risk of failure and the risk of vulnerability. The risk of failure is that our efforts to be available might not be received, and the risk of vulnerability is that we might not be heard. Being present is a continual openness to fine-tuning both sides of these risks to achieve the connection. Our tone of voice in any of these conversations is important. Be sure that you avoid any agitated or sarcastic tones. You can read any of these statements below with softened or sarcastic tones. The former will always be better.

Practical ways to overcome the risk of failure might include many of these ideas.

  • Take ownership of your past failures.
    • “I know I have not been a good listener. I hope you can try to tell me your concerns again so I can practice and get better.”
    • “I know I have been a poor time manager. I am going to work on putting an alarm or reminder in my phone. Can I show you this new app I found to help me out?”
  • Share what you plan to do in the future that is different than your past choices.
    • “I hear that you need me to be more affectionate. I am going to start by holding your hand more often and kissing you bye when we leave the house for work.”
    • “I understand that money is really tight right now. I will check in with you before making purchases over a certain amount. Can we agree on that amount together?”

Practical ways to overcome the risk of vulnerability include these ideas.

  • Share your feelings about a given experience.
    • “I felt dismissed when you were paying more attention to your show on the TV than to me when I was sharing about my day at work.”
    • “I felt lonely and abandoned when you were late to my important event.”
  • Share your needs on a regular basis. Be sure to make requests for what you need from your partner.
    • “I am needing you to initiate more affection. Without small affections I often feel lonely and disconnected.”
    • “I need you to be more careful with your spending. I am worried about our savings dwindling right now.”

Being present is about showing up in both vulnerable and decisive ways. It means sharing your needs and clearly stating your commitments to meet your partner’s needs. These attitudes of the heart will solidify feelings of commitment, security, and stability in the marriage.

Humility Goes a Long Way in Marriage

Dr. Mark DeYoung, marriage therapist,  experienced marriage therapist, Dr. Mark DeYoung, LMFT, online therapy, online counseling, Online Marriage and Family Therapist, Local therapist, Top rated counselor near me, Fort Worth, Texas, Virginia, Arizona, Florida, 817-988-8242, relationship crisis, marriage crisis, marriage therapy, BetterHelp, growtherapy, talkspace, Gottman Method, Gottman, top rated counselor, top rated therapist, best therapist, best counselor, experienced therapist, friendly therapist, happy marriage, relationship therapy, parenting, family therapy, marriage therapy, marriage advice, strong family, strong marriage, love and marriage, couples therapy, couples counseling, onlinetherapy, regain, attachment therapist

What makes you valuable? I often say in therapy that we all have a unique set of skills, talents, and abilities. When we share an intimate life with our marriage partner, we get the unique vantage point and blessing to see and experience all those skills, talents, and abilities. Yet, for all we bring to marriage that blesses and nurtures, we unfortunately disappoint and fail each other. This reality creates a tension between success and failure. The healthiest of married couples navigate this tension carefully and with skill. It means we need an honest assessment of our skills and honest ownership of our faults. Our partners need consistent, genuine validation of their contributions and graceful forgiveness of their failures. This is why I want to show you how humility goes a long way in marriage.

I grew up thinking that pride was bad. The rigid, legalistic tradition of my early faith years probably taught an overly literal interpretation of Proverbs 16:18:’ Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall ‘ (NRSV). As a kid, I had the idea that any sense of pride doomed you to certain destruction. But I think now we might need a bit more nuance and clarity in our perspective. Surely, an inflated, haughty spirit is bad (we will talk about this later). And honestly that is what I think the ancient wisdom is trying to teach us. But pride is something that is more subtly good and necessary for our mental health.

I love Brené Brown’s definition of pride from her book, Atlas of the Heart.

Pride is a feeling of pleasure or celebration related to our accomplishments or efforts.

Brené Brown

We need this type of pride because it encourages and uplifts. It accurately celebrates.

But the pride we don’t need is Hubris. This is what the ancient wisdom literature of Proverbs references. Again, Brené Brown gives us a good definition of Hubris.

Hubris is an inflated sense of one’s own innate abilities that is tied more to the need for dominance [to win] than to acutal accomplishments.

Brené Brown

Hubris not only exaggerates but also monopolizes. It is based on a misuse of power. Nobody needs this.

We definitely don’t need hubris in marriage. Did you catch that little bit at the end of the definition that ties hubris to dominance? It is far more about power than it is about your true skills, gifts, and abilities.

In my work with couples, I have found that many cycles of conflict can have a component of hubris. One partner needs to “win.” They must prove their “rightness” and their partner’s “wrongness.” And if both partners are determined to win, we better hold on tight. The fight is likely to get ugly quickly, and some form of harm will likely come to both. It doesn’t have to be this way, and the research shows that this type of gridlock is never healthy or productive.

Gottman’s research with married couples found that 69% of conflict is perpetual, with the same issues repeated. Successful couples don’t reduce perpetual conflict; they become better managers of it. They keep hubris and gridlock out of the conflict. There are specific tools to help you accomplish this goal. But first, you must understand the foundational need for humility.

Humility is openness to new learning combined with a balanced and accurate assessment of our contributions, including our strengths, imperfections, and opportunities for growth.

Brené Brown

I love this definition of humility. I want to break it down:

  • “Openness” – being vulnerable vs. closed.
  • “New learning” – a recognition that I don’t have all the answers to any given issue.
  • “Assessment” – I am willing to look at myself and engage in self-reflection.
  • “Strengths, imperfections, and opportunities for growth” – I know I have skills to contribute, but I am not perfect, and I can learn from the skills my partner brings to the marriage.

Humility is necessary in marriage because it is an openness within and between partners that is vulnerable and emotionally safe. Both partners are willing to offer the skills they bring and equally celebrate their partner’s abilities. We acknowledge and accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses. From this point, we can work together to achieve our goals rather than resist and fight each other. The couple is a community of two working towards the best interests of the two together rather than specific individual interests. We look for win-win outcomes, which are results that benefit the community of two. When one partner has to be the winner, we deal with hubris, but humility creates solutions where both win.

I think this quote again from Brené Brown says it well (bracketed words mine):

“I am here [in my marriage] to get it right, not to be right.”

Brené Brown

Humility keeps us from having to be right and win the fight. Humility helps us collaborate for the benefit of both, so that “we” get it right.

So what tools that I suggested earlier might help us eliminate hubris, increase humility and ultimately “get it right?” I have two suggestions:

  1. Turn down the emotional volume.
    When we approach a challenge or problem in marriage it never helps to discuss the issue with the emotional heat turned up. This can be as obvious as not yelling, criticizing, or sarcastic tones. But more subtly it can be that we choose an internal attitude of acceptance, grace, and ultimately forgiveness towards our partner. We should be willing to give the benefit of the doubt and not assume what our partner was thinking, planning or intending. We should ask questions of genuine interest. If we become upset or “emotionally flooded” taking a break from the conversation is always helpful.
  2. Accept the influence of your spouse.
    This means honoring, validating, and celebrating your spouse’s perspectives and skills. Couples often get into point-counterpoint gridlocks when discussing a problem, and they can break that cycle by accepting each other’s influence. Rather than pointing out an alternative, or worse, trying to prove your partner wrong, you find agreement with as much of what they are saying as possible. You remain open to learning from them.

Nova The #TherapyCat – June 2024 Edition

Nova is back at it after a bit of the break this spring. She is experiencing a bit of increased naughtiness with her aggression. Her owners think it is trauma and growing up related, but Nova has remained silent on the issue. She says that she is working on her issues in therapy. Maybe she will share her insights here. Nevertheless, Nova’s parents are lovingly teaching her and supporting her in all of her efforts to be an emotionally healthy cat. Welcome to Nova The #TherapyCat – June 2024 Edition. Here are some of her latest reflections.

Dr. Mark DeYoung, marriage therapist,  experienced marriage therapist, Dr. Mark DeYoung, LMFT, online therapy, online counseling, Online Marriage and Family Therapist, Local therapist, Top rated counselor near me, Fort Worth, Texas, Virginia, Arizona, Florida, 817-988-8242, relationship crisis, marriage crisis, marriage therapy, BetterHelp, growtherapy, talkspace, Gottman Method, Gottman, top rated counselor, top rated therapist, best therapist, best counselor, experienced therapist, friendly therapist, happy marriage, relationship therapy, parenting, family therapy, marriage therapy, marriage advice, strong family, strong marriage, love and marriage, couples therapy, couples counseling, onlinetherapy, regain, attachment therapist

Reader, it might be a bit hard to tell from this picture, but my cat parents took this picture of me balancing on top of the second-floor banister. I love the view from up here. I honestly think it is kind of intimidating to the humans around here because they can’t balance like me. You gotta face your fears sometimes – BE BRAVE – and get above things for a whole new perspective.

Pretty cute, right? I took this photo a little bit after getting in trouble for attacking my cat mom’s feet. Smiling can go a long way to reconnect when there has been a disconnection. I am trying to say all the “I’m Sorrys” I can with my eyes. Do you think it is working? I do recommend that if you hurt someone you love, take ownership of your mistakes. Don’t just try and act silly like me in hopes that will be what fixes it.

Dr. Mark DeYoung, marriage therapist,  experienced marriage therapist, Dr. Mark DeYoung, LMFT, online therapy, online counseling, Online Marriage and Family Therapist, Local therapist, Top rated counselor near me, Fort Worth, Texas, Virginia, Arizona, Florida, 817-988-8242, relationship crisis, marriage crisis, marriage therapy, BetterHelp, growtherapy, talkspace, Gottman Method, Gottman, top rated counselor, top rated therapist, best therapist, best counselor, experienced therapist, friendly therapist, happy marriage, relationship therapy, parenting, family therapy, marriage therapy, marriage advice, strong family, strong marriage, love and marriage, couples therapy, couples counseling, onlinetherapy, regain, attachment therapist
Dr. Mark DeYoung, marriage therapist,  experienced marriage therapist, Dr. Mark DeYoung, LMFT, online therapy, online counseling, Online Marriage and Family Therapist, Local therapist, Top rated counselor near me, Fort Worth, Texas, Virginia, Arizona, Florida, 817-988-8242, relationship crisis, marriage crisis, marriage therapy, BetterHelp, growtherapy, talkspace, Gottman Method, Gottman, top rated counselor, top rated therapist, best therapist, best counselor, experienced therapist, friendly therapist, happy marriage, relationship therapy, parenting, family therapy, marriage therapy, marriage advice, strong family, strong marriage, love and marriage, couples therapy, couples counseling, onlinetherapy, regain, attachment therapist

I’m hiding. I have learned that we often hide when we feel ashamed. I do feel bad when I upset my cat parents. I am working on taking ownership of my misplaced aggression. I am also trying to be vulnerable with my feelings rather than hiding behind my ankle attacks.

I do get sad sometimes. I know that you probably remember that I lost my mother when I was very young. This was an early attachment injury. But I also experienced a traumatic attack from a dog in my first home. This trauma has complicated my recovery. I sometimes get a bit aggressive because I think I need to protect myself even though, in my new home, I know I am safe. My cat dad is actually an expert in attachment. If you want his human help you can find out more on his website here.

Dr. Mark DeYoung, marriage therapist,  experienced marriage therapist, Dr. Mark DeYoung, LMFT, online therapy, online counseling, Online Marriage and Family Therapist, Local therapist, Top rated counselor near me, Fort Worth, Texas, Virginia, Arizona, Florida, 817-988-8242, relationship crisis, marriage crisis, marriage therapy, BetterHelp, growtherapy, talkspace, Gottman Method, Gottman, top rated counselor, top rated therapist, best therapist, best counselor, experienced therapist, friendly therapist, happy marriage, relationship therapy, parenting, family therapy, marriage therapy, marriage advice, strong family, strong marriage, love and marriage, couples therapy, couples counseling, onlinetherapy, regain, attachment therapist
Dr. Mark DeYoung, marriage therapist,  experienced marriage therapist, Dr. Mark DeYoung, LMFT, online therapy, online counseling, Online Marriage and Family Therapist, Local therapist, Top rated counselor near me, Fort Worth, Texas, Virginia, Arizona, Florida, 817-988-8242, relationship crisis, marriage crisis, marriage therapy, BetterHelp, growtherapy, talkspace, Gottman Method, Gottman, top rated counselor, top rated therapist, best therapist, best counselor, experienced therapist, friendly therapist, happy marriage, relationship therapy, parenting, family therapy, marriage therapy, marriage advice, strong family, strong marriage, love and marriage, couples therapy, couples counseling, onlinetherapy, regain, attachment therapist

Sitting and thinking under the lamplight on top of the piano is a perfect space. It feels safe for me here, and when I am safe, I can think clearly. Meditation and reflection are great mindfulness activities that help us process all the emotions of the day.

Suicide Crisis – An Update

Since the early 1990’s suicide rates in the US have steadily increased. This increase has created a suicide crisis. Rates in 2022 were 3% higher than in 2021, and 2023 data looks to add to that increase. This is a crisis that receives little attention. As a mental health provider, I want to inform my networks about the issues around suicide in the hopes that we, as a larger community, can prevent needless deaths. Below is a graph of the suicide rate per 100,000 population from 2001 – 2021.

Suicide rate per 100,000 population in the US

This highest year was 2018 with a rate of 14.79 per 100,000 population. There was a small decline in 2019 and 2020 during the pandemic. But rates rose again in 2022, and 2023 seem to be on par with 2021, quite possibly trending higher. Currently, unofficial data for 2022 shows a 2.79% increase over 2021, making it the highest year yet (possibly 14.93 per 1000,000 population). 2023 data is incomplete and hard to predict since some months have not been reported.

A first question many ask, is what might be contributing to increase rates of suicide. A Colorado University study has analyzed that data and found two recent developments that are likely contributing to the suicide increase.

  1. Increased access to powerful opioids has contributed to a rise of suicide among women.
  2. The decrease in the federal safety net has led to increased financial stress for all adults.

Easy access to a particular lethal method can make suicide much easier to accomplish. Malcolm Gladwell in his book Talking to Strangers illustrated how suicide rates plummetted in the United Kingdom in the 1960s as the country switched from “town gas” to natural gas. Town Gas had a much higher concentration of carbon monoxide and lethal limits were reached much more quickly than natural gas. This information has bearing on our conversations about guns, and now the opioid crisis. Easy access to lethal methods is a danger. It is important to consider the methods available to those suffering from suicidal ideation. As a therapist, I often ask about weapons in the home, and now medications in the home. And as a larger community, we need to be talking about gun restrictions because these regulations will save lives by limiting access.

We know that men are more often more likely to kill themselves with an attempt because they often choose more violent methods such as guns or hanging. Suicide attempts by women are on the rise, and especially by younger generations. Though women choose less violent methods, the very powerful effects of medication can have deadly results, thus raising their overall rate of actual suicides. Opioids were involved in more than 80,000 overdose deaths in 2021, which was 10 times the number of opioid overdose deaths in 1999. Our communal value of human life should lead us to support all efforts to eradicate the flow of deadly opioids into our communities.

Stress, and specifically economic stress, can be a major contributor to suicide. Currently, the high rates of inflation are impacting many lower-income families in a disproportionately negative way. When we look at state-by-state rates of suicide, the highest rates seem to occur in rural farming communities. The economic uncertainties of an agricultural world, access to means (usually guns), and social isolation are all contributors to higher rates. Not only can we be only the look out for our “neighbor” and their economic stresses, but we can advocate or vote for policies that lead to safety net supports being implemented to reduce economic losses for the most vulnerable in our communities.

There is HOPE, because we can all play a part in the prevention of suicide. Relationships are the key to suicide prevention. Let me give you a few ideas for what you can do.

  1. Show you care about others. Check in on your neighbors if you have not seen them for some time. Inquire about the grief’s and even economic challenges you know family and friends might be experiencing. Ask them how they are doing and be a bit persistent if they just blow off the question with a dismissive, “Fine.” Take care of those closest to you first.
  2. Don’t be afraid to ask the question, “Have your thought about dying, killing yourself?”, “Are you wishing you were not here or were not alive right now?”
    You might be a bit afraid to ask, but research is really clear that our best prevention is to ask this questions. If your gut tells you that you need to ask the question, then don’t be afraid. It often opens a dialogue and can help facilitate a plan to save a life.
  3. Develop a safety plan. Don’t leave anyone that is actively suicidal alone. Suicidal ideation does not necessarily mean there needs to be a rush to a psychiatric hospital or the ER. Call the National Suicide Hotline, which is available 24:7 with professionals who can help with a plan. You can contact the National Suicide Hotline by calling or texting 988. It is that simple. Maybe they have a therapist they can contact who can help them develop a safety plan. Telehealth has made mental health far more accessible.
  4. The QPR Institute has developed a well-researched intervention method for helping prevent suicide. It is a three-step model: Question—Persuade—Refer. Just like CPR can save a life, this model can prevent suicide. They offer numerous training opportunities to learn the model, including online and in-person training. If you are a decision-maker for your company or church, why don’t you pursue bringing a trainer into your organization to teach these prevention tools to everyone?
988 - Suicide Hotline - Call or Text

30 Day Gratitude Journal

Gratitude is an essential ingredient for personal mental health and relational stability. This month, Dr. DeYoung wants to offer you a 30-day prompt for gratitude in your marriage. Each prompt is meant to generate a thought or feeling of gratitude. Don’t be too alarmed by the word “Journal” because the writing expectations are minimal. Each day of this activity, you would not be required to write more than one or two sentences. In fact, each prompt is written in a way that you will just need to complete the thought. If you do this journal as a couple, you can discuss them at the end of each week or the end of the month. Directly below you can click to downlad a PDF of the Gratitude Journal and print for easy access.


Day One

There are many qualities that I love or appreciate about my partner. When I think of one of those qualities I am most grateful for it is…

Day Two

There are many qualities that I love or appreciate about my partner. If I were to list a second quality that I am thankful for, it is…

Day Three

Reflecting on the last month, think of a time your partner gave you emotional support. I am grateful for my partner’s emotional support when I was dealing with…

Day Four

You have probably had some trips or vacations with your partner. One memory from our trips together that I am grateful for is…

Day Five

Change happens in marriages. The change can be good. One change that your partner has made is…

Day Six

Change happens in marriages. The change can be good. Another change that your partner has made is…

Day Seven

Conflict happens in marriages. Can you name a quality your partner has that helps you resolve conflicts? The quality you are thankful for is…

Day Eight

Conflict happens in marriages. Can you think of a recent conflict? What is one thing your partner did in that conflict that was helpful…?

Day Nine

Name one thing that you most admire about your partner…

Day Ten

Name the one favorite way your partner expresses love for you…

Day Eleven

Write down one of your dreams that you are most grateful to share with your partner…

Day Twelve

Write down another dream that you are most grateful to share with your partner…

Day Thirteen

Reflect back on your wedding day. What is one memory from that day that you are most thankful for…

Day Fourteen

Reflect back on your first date. What is one memory from that day that is most special…

Day Fifteen

If you are parenting together, what is one quality that your partner displays as a parent that you value…?
If you are not a parent, what quality do you imagine in your partner that would make them a good parent…?

Day Sixteen

What is one thing your partner did this last week that you are thankful for…?

Day Seventeen

What is one thing you and your spouse have accomplished that you feel proud of…?

Day Eighteen

What is another thing you and your spouse accomplished that you feel proud of…?

Day Nineteen

What is one value that you share…?

Day Twenty

What is a second value that you share…?

Day Twenty-one

Your partner has helped you grow and change. What is one change your partner has helped you make…?

Day Twenty-two

What is a second change your partner has helped you make…?

Day Twenty-three

What is one part of your sexual intimacy that you are thankful for…?

Day Twenty-four

Think of the last time you laughed really hard with your partner. What is your memory of this event…?

Day Twenty-five

What is the most attractive characteristic of your partner…?

Day Twenty-six

Do you have a favorite song, movie, TV show? Why are you thankful to share this with your partner…?

Day Twenty-seven

Sitting quietly, what is the first positive thing about your partner that comes to mind…?

Day Twenty-eight

When you have been married 50 years what is one thing you hope to still appreciate about your partner…?

Day Twenty-nine

Name the one thing that makes you want to come home to your partner every day…?

Day Thirty

Reflect over the past 29 days. What is the most surprising/exciting thing from this gratitude list that you are glad to have discovered…?

Nova the #TherapyCat

Nova has been a popular addition to the blogs. Her first offering was so well received that over 95% said they wanted her to write a regular contribution. So, after a restful holiday season, Nova has told me she has some new insights to share. She even said she was willing to talk about a bit of her trauma history.

Holidays are a time for giving and receiving gifts. But sometimes the best gifts are in the unexpected surprises of any celebration. Jumping in and out of a gift bag brings joy and surprise to everyone. Nova wants to encourage everyone to try and find joy in the unexpected.

After all the holiday celebrations, when all the decorations are put away and the house is cleaned, rest is important. Nova wants to remind everyone that scheduling in a good period of rest is healthy.

Nova became an orphan early in her life. She was born at a car dealership sales lot, and her mom was hit by a car only a few weeks into her life. She was quickly whisked away into an adoptive home. Nova still has periods of sadness when she thinks about her loss. But she wants to remind everyone that waves of grief are a normal part of coping with loss.

Hiding might be either good or bad. If we hide to bring surprise, that joy might be good. Of course, our impulsive leaps might scare someone and prompt an unexpected yell. This might cause the second type of hiding: covering up from shame. But if we hide out of shame, we must work on our vulnerability. Nova likes the work of Brene Brown, who suggests one of our tools for healing our shame is reaching out, “Are you owning and sharing your story? We cannot experience empathy if we are not connecting.”

Nova asks, “Do you have a safe place?” Where do you go to process your experiences and feelings? Do you have a space, like a comfy bed, or do you go to a place in your mind? Nova recommends having a safe space. Nova’s is a comfy bed by the window, which is especially nice when the warm sun moves across it in the morning.

Have a happy February!

Breath – The Pause for Connection

In marriage therapy work, one of the listening and connection skills we practice is sharing our feelings/experiences and validating our partner’s experiences. This is a fundamental building block of relationships, and it can lead to significant communication complications when it breaks down. Let me give you some examples of how it can break down. 

Husband (H): I am upset and angry that you spent so much time on the phone with your mother when we had plans to go out with friends. It made us late. I hate being late. I guess you care about your mother more than me. 

Wife (W): I hear that you are angry. You just don’t get it. My mom needed me. You have never liked her anyway. 

H: Now you are just turning this on me. Always blaming me and never apologizing. 

W: I might try to apologize if you were nicer to my mother and me. Don’t you remember how you treated her last Christmas?

(The conflict escalates here as the couple no longer discusses the original problem). 


Here is a second example.

Wife (W): I felt alone and rejected last Tuesday when you got home so late. I had no idea that you planned to watch the game with friends. I had supper ready for us, and honestly, I was planning to watch the game with you after we ate. 

Husband (H): I can see being lonely. But what do you mean rejected? I am home with you every night. I have not been out with friends for over two months. It was Steve’s birthday. Maybe I should have texted you to remind you, but I told you about these plans on Sunday. It makes me angry that you are accusing me of rejecting you.

W: You never told me about these plans on Sunday. I was out with the kids most of the day, so we were never really together on Sunday. You think you communicate, but you don’t. 

H: You never listen to me. We were standing right there in the kitchen. You even told me to have a good time. Honestly, your accusations make me not want to spend any time with you because I can never get it right. 

(You can also imagine how this little exchange only gets worse). 


I want to present a model for how to have these conversations calmly, improve your connections, and reduce the intensity of conflict. In the example above, the couples do an excellent job of starting with sharing their feelings. These are good “I” statements. And the response of their spouses begins well. You might even say they were validating because they at least “parroted” back what their partner said. “I can see being lonely,” or “I hear that you are angry.” 

But each partner quickly switches into a defensive mode of blaming or playing the victim. These words of accusation and victimhood undo any sense of validation between the couple, and it severs their connections. At this point, it becomes a tit-for-tat explosion. 

Validation requires two components:

  1. Make sure your partner feels heard. Use your own words.
  2. Taking ownership of the problem or offense. Admit what you did that caused the offense. 

Let me show you a better validation from each of the examples above. In the first example, it could have sounded like this:

W: I know it made you mad for me to spend so much time on the phone with my mom. Being late has never been your favorite thing and it probably made you embarrassed that all our friends were there waiting on us when we arrived. (The wife has been on the phone for a long time, and she summarizes her partner’s feelings in her own words.)

In the second example, the husband could have started here:

H: I regret that you were lonely and even felt unimportant when I didn’t come home. I want to spend time together, too. I thought I had told you it was Steve’s birthday, but somehow, I failed to make sure you knew about these plans. It might have helped for me to text you during the day to make sure we were on the same page.  (Again, he used his own words but also offers a bit of what he wished he had done differently).

So these modifications are suitable, but often, in any problem, there are two perspectives. The partner who offers validation can end up asking in their mind, “Well, what about me? When does my partner understand me?” 

This is where the often missed step of “Taking a Breath” is omitted. If you look back to the original examples, the spouse who got defensive was using their failed validation as an attempt to present their viewpoint/feelings/perspective. This is a “cart before the horse” scenario. Breathing is the secret to reaching a point where both partners are heard. 

Here is how it works. Imagine that each partner in the examples above gives the improved “edited” validations I offered. After saying those validations, they want to get confirmation from their partner that they feel understood. They might say something like, “Yes, thank you.” Or “I appreciate your understanding.” There might be some nonverbal confirmation of a smile or relaxing sigh. If you are unsure if your partner feels you “get it,” you can always ask, “Do you think I understand?” If you receive confirmation, you can take a breath and offer your feelings/perspective.

Feelings – Breath Cycle

So, let’s rework the above conversations with the Validation-Breathe cycle and see how they improve and how both partners feel heard and respected. 


Example 1

Husband (H): I am upset and angry that you spent so much time on the phone with your mother when we had plans to go out with friends. It made us late. I hate being late. I guess you care about your mother more than me. (This last statement is a criticism and not appropriate. But if the spouse does the validation, it will help settle any anger).

Wife (W): I know it made you mad for me to spend so much time on the phone with my mom. Being late has never been your favorite thing and it probably made you embarrassed that all our friends were there waiting on us when we arrived. (The wife owns being on the phone for so long, and she summarizes her partner’s feelings in her own words).

H: You are right; I was embarrassed. Thank you for understanding.

W: BREATHE

W: I felt trapped that night. I knew we needed to be leaving, but my mom was really struggling with a serious problem. I know my mom is difficult, and I don’t even like dealing with her all the time, but she is my mom, and I am the only support she has right now. 

H: Trapped. Like you were feeling pressure from both me and your mom? 

W: Yes.

H: I can see that. I am not sure how we could have solved that situation better, but from now on I can try to be more understanding of how hard it might be to have to be the only source of support for you mom.

W: Thank you. 


Example 2

Wife (W): Last Tuesday, I felt alone and rejected when you got home so late. I had no idea that you planned to go watch the game with friends. I had supper ready for us, and honestly, I was making plans to watch the game with you after we ate. 

H: I regret that you were lonely and even felt unimportant when I didn’t come home. I want to spend time together, too. I thought I had told you that it was Steve’s birthday, but somehow, I failed to make sure you knew about these plans. It might have helped for me to text you during the day to make sure we were on the same page.

H: (a bit unsure of what his wife is feeling) Do you think I understand what you are trying to say?

W: Yes. I am sorry. I appreciate you hearing me. 

H: BREATHE

H: I was a bit confused today when you brought this up since I thought I had communicated with you. Again, I may have not give you the message clearly. I appreciate that you wanted to spend time together because I want the same thing. Can we try again and find a time to schedule?

W: I agree we somehow missed each other in communicating plans. Can we just plan for this next game night to be our time to watch the game together?

H: Yes, I cannot wait. 

Pausing and taking a breath are a couple of small ways to enhance validation and connection in your marriage. Those “little things” create a space of safety between the two of you. Pause and breathe, slow down the process, and keep you from rushing into sharing your feelings/experiences. Intimacy requires both partners to feel understood. Love chooses not to rush the process – “It [Love] does not insist on its own way.” (I Corinthians 13:5, NRSV) 

Being a Gift for Your Spouse

Gifts are the language of the holiday season. Meaningful gifts are often unexpected, meet a particular need, and communicate a message of value or importance. We love giving and receiving gifts because they are founded on love and sacrifice. The Christmas season celebrates God, offering himself as a gift in the incarnated Christ. In this gift-giving time, I am reminded of the marital union being bonded through the giving of self. I want to explore that idea in this blog and suggest ways you can be a meaningful gift for your spouse.

Marriage takes hard work. Many modern myths attempt to convince us that if we find the “right one,” marriage should work. But these myths make us lazy about the real work of marriage. Bono, the lead singer of U2, published a memoir titled Surrender in 2022. He reflects on his 41-year marriage to his high school sweetheart, Ali. 

“I’m sure that oneness is the direction of travel for all great loves, but I also accept that it does not happen on cue, at a ceremony, for example, like a wedding. It can happen in all kinds of different circumstances in the middle of the night or the middle of the day, when two lovers decide they want to be part of each other’s lives more than they desire their own independence, and in continuum they pledge their lives to each other…The universe may marvel at such perfectly imperfect love and the stars light your way, but back on earth, if you heed the statistics, it’s as if the world stands in the way of love. I’m sure the essence of romance is defiance, and what is more defiant than two young hearts, twenty-two and twenty-one, deciding to take on the odds, to challenge the dull-thud facts around an ancient ceremony in a modern world…Ali and I were moving in together, and now we were beginning to move together. On paper our marriage started that honeymoon week, but in truth it didn’t feel like that. We’d honored each other, made sacred vows, but the biggest moments in life may not be those we notice at the time. No fireworks, no explosions, no falling even more deeply in love now that we had time together. We were the playwrights and the play, the actors and the critics. Excited and nervous to begin our adventure together. No idea where we’d be in ten years. Twenty. Thirty. I raise you again. Forty years. We’ll eventually figure out what was going on in that moment.Rather than falling in love, we were climbing up toward it. We still are.”

In the memoir, each chapter is represented by one song selected from the U2 library. In this chapter about his wedding and marriage to Ali, the song chosen is “Two Hearts Beat as One.” In this song, Bono sings the lyric, “I said don’t stop the dance, maybe this is our last chance.” All marriages face “last chance” moments; survival depends on each partner staying in the dance, giving and receiving. In those moments, the power of “oneness” can save us if we do the work. The work requires communion between partners where each sacrifices to give themselves as a gift to the other consistently. 

All of this reminds me of Pope John Paul’s words in his book, “A Theology of the Body,” in which he explores the marital union. He conducts a rich examination of the Genesis creation accounts of Adam and Eve. He reminds us of the moments when God parades all the animals of creation in front of Adam to explore whether one of them might be a suitable partner. Of course, none suffice, not even the dog. God had, through love, given the gift of life to Adam, and the Pope asks a poignant question as Adam stands alone in his humanity. “…we must ask ourselves whether this first “man” in his original solitude, “lived” the world truly as a gift, with an attitude that conforms to the actual condition of someone who has received a gift…?”

There has to be an “other” to exchange the gift with. This is what God meant when he said it is “not good for the human to be alone. (Gen 2:18)” Humans need relational companionship to realize their makeup as image bearers of God fully. As Pope John Paul says, “He [Adam] realizes it only by existing ‘With someone’—and put even more deeply and completely, by existing ‘for someone.’” It is through this communion with someone that we can experience the reciprocal giving of self as a gift to another. It is at the heart of God’s identity and was fully realized in the incarnation of Jesus Christ. God wants to live in reciprocal communion with each of us, and he created us to do the same with each other. 

The heart of the communion in marriage is being a gift to your spouse. You gave yourself to each other. But this was not a one-time event. It is an ongoing process of giving yourself continually, consistently. I want to tell you about three ways you can offer yourself as a gift to your spouse. You can give Unexpectedly, Meet their Need, and Communicate their Value.

Unexpected

Most everyone loves a surprise gift. Though I recommend the occasional unexpected gift for your spouse, being an unexpected “gift” for your spouse is much deeper and will require more work. 

The work involves your ongoing decision to offer unearned grace and forgiveness. I speak about this in the chapter called “Safe Marriage” in my book. Marriage is to be a safe place when couples consistently forgive. Forgiveness is the decision not to make your spouse pay for the injuries they cause. This makes marriage safe because it clears the battleground of retaliation. Many of us know when our choices hurt our partner. As humans, we expect punishment or retribution. But the unexpected response of pardon reconciles and restores. 

If you are still thinking that flowers, candy, or a dinner out at the right time is the formula for providing an unexpected gift, then you are missing out. These things are nice, but your partner needs more. They need your unexpected gift of grace. In those moments of peace, restoration, and intimacy explode. 

Meet a Need

There have always been jokes about the husband who gets their wife a vacuum cleaner or some other appliance for their birthday or Christmas. It is a joke because, though the gift meets a need, it falls short of meeting a deeper emotional need for connection and understanding. Intimacy is rarely practical. 

What does your spouse need right now? Just think about that. What have you heard them say that is on their heart or they are concerned about? If you could do one thing for them right now, what would help them? If you can answer that question clearly, then stop reading and go do what came to mind. Serve your partner and meet their need. 

If nothing is coming to mind, then you should listen and engage with them a bit more. In my chapter, “Stable Marriage,” I share a concept called “I am Present.” This is the willful act of being available, listening, and understanding my spouse through engagement and empathy. We are a gift for our spouse when we have taken the time to listen and truly hear their needs. Meeting those needs consistently builds stability in your marriage. It is those sacrifices of service (not your pocketbook) that ultimately strengthen your bond.

Communicate Value

Expensive gifts are nice. At their heart, they give a message of value to the recipient. Car companies with commercials of cars with bows on top are abundant in the holiday season. Many car companies would love to sell you a car in December to help their year-end bottom line and help you have a momentary romantic vision of the bow on the car in the snow-covered driveway (though the snow is unlikely in Texas, where I live). 

But again, giving your spouse an expensive gift is not the best way to communicate their true value. The best way to be a gift to your spouse is to see their value and share that value in the ways you speak to them, build them up, encourage and support them. Your words are powerful, and they have the very power of life for your spouse. I share thoughts about this idea in my chapter, “Successful Marriage.” Your marriage has the opportunity to participate in the life-giving resurrection work of God’s kingdom. This is done in the gift of your words to your spouse. 

When you speak kindness, encouragement, or value to your spouse, they are made alive. This world and the life we must live in is full of discouragement and death. Your marriage can be a restorative space. You are a gift when you speak healing to your partner’s hurts. You are a gift when you speak the truth about your spouse’s character. You are a gift when you encourage and support them to use their gift and talents.

These are the ways to be a gift. Unexpected grace, Meeting Needs, and Communicating Value. As you unwrap presents this holiday season, you can offer yourself as a gift in these ways. I pray God blesses your efforts.