Present and Here

Two small but powerful words – Part 2

Dr. Mark DeYoung, marriage therapist,  experienced marriage therapist, Dr. Mark DeYoung, LMFT, online therapy, online counseling, Online Marriage and Family Therapist, Local therapist, Top rated counselor near me, Fort Worth, Texas, Virginia, Arizona, Florida, 817-988-8242, relationship crisis, marriage crisis, marriage therapy, BetterHelp, growtherapy, talkspace, Gottman Method, Gottman, top rated counselor, top rated therapist, best therapist, best counselor, experienced therapist, friendly therapist, happy marriage, relationship therapy, parenting, family therapy, marriage therapy, marriage advice, strong family, strong marriage, love and marriage, couples therapy, couples counseling, onlinetherapy, regain, attachment therapist

Last month’s blog, Present and Hear, was Part 1 of this two-part series. We specifically explored the word “present.” Being present was defined as a “continual openness to connecting.” It is an attitude of the heart that takes risks to preserve connection in the relationship.

“You don’t build a bond without being present”

James Earl Jones

This blog (Part 2) will discuss the importance of being “here” for our partners. In my book, I define being here as “consistently making time for connecting…we reserve time and space for our partner.” Being “here” is a much more physical act. We accomplish it with our embodied selves, whereas being present is something we do within our spirit or inner selves.

I qualitatively studied foster parents and their attachment experiences during my doctoral dissertation research. A qualitative study collects the stories and experiences of the participants in a narrative format. This involves hours of interviewing, recording, transcribing (which I could not have finished without my wonderful wife), and analysis of transcript pages. This is all done to pull out the themes related to the research subject of foster parents’ attachment experiences. I am so grateful for what the foster parents in my research taught me about attachment and love in relationships.

Rose (not her real name) was one of the foster parents I had the privilege of meeting and interviewing. As you read her words below, try to hear her voice expressing her understanding of the need to make herself consistently and physically available to the foster children in her care.

“I think at first, they [foster children] don’t receive it very well. Like the two new ones I got now, the twins, I don’t think the new little boy receive very well. But now he’s showing more affection than his sister is. I don’t think he ever got any love either. But now I think he’s gasping for it. He-he’s really wanting more, the more you show him, it seems like the more he needs. He is really soaking it in like a sponge. It makes me feel good. It makes me think that I am doing my part…I think they know that I am here. They know that I would do my best to protect them from anything. I tell them that. I tell them that I’m always here.”

Rose

Foster mom

Rose worked hard to be consistently available to the children in her care. As they slowly began to trust her physical availability, they would “soak it in like a sponge.” They were hungry for connection. In part 1 of this blog, we talked about Attachment Theory and how, as human beings, we have an innate drive to seek connection and security.

The primary way to have that security is to know someone will be physically available to us – they will be here. John Bowlby, the father of Attachment Theory, called this our Secure Base. It is an anchor point we can always physically return to when the world feels unsteady.

The need for a Secure Base continues into adulthood, and our marriage partners can and should serve as an anchor point in the winds and waves of life. Ultimately, these efforts at connections help solidify trust and commitment. The foster mom, Rose, who consistently made herself close and available, helped the kids in her care develop trust in her commitment to them. As marriage partners, we can do the same by being present and here for our partners.

So how can we really live out providing that physical proximity, promoting security and stability?

  1. Make regular time to talk and connect.
    Committing to a regular time to check in and talk is the bedrock of healthy marriages. We need face-to-face communication. God created you with a deep desire and need to be in physical proximity to others. In marriage, our eyes meet when we sit close, facing each other. We regularly need these times when we look each other in the eye and talk. My recommendation for most couples is at least 20 minutes, three times per week.
  2. Find mutually fun activities for both of you to engage in together regularly.
    When I offer my live Revolutionary Marriage Conference, one of our significant experiences is to create a ‘menu’ of choices for fun, connecting activities. The idea here is to remind us that we have shared interests that we can pick and choose from for connection. Maybe you like games, taking walks, going to the zoo, or working on puzzles. Should you consider the hobby of painting, reading a book together, or completing a home improvement project? There are so many options; we need to get our brainstorming juices flowing and make the list.
  3. Have “micro-dates.” These are much more important than “date nights.”
    Many marriage conferences suggest that couples should have regular date nights. I agree that date nights can be beneficial, but if these are the only activities we rely on, we will struggle with consistency and disappointment. What if we cannot coordinate schedules or we get sick? What if the great night we planned just happens poorly due to unexpected circumstances? If we put all our eggs in the “date night” basket, the gamble might not have the expected payoff. We need to have many more lower risk, “micro-dates.” These are little ways to connect that are low cost, spontaneous, and require small time commitment. Here just a few ideas: hug, kiss, holding hands, playing a game, walk in the park, picnic, grabbing an ice cream, quick trip to the gym for a couples yoga class, or cooking a meal together.

Our physical proximity to our partners increases feelings of trust and commitment. This promotes security and stability in the marriage. We have great power in two little words – Present and Here.

That is how to live out commitment. Consistently connect – with no barriers between us. We reserve time and space for our partner.

Revolutionary Marriage, Dr. Mark DeYoung

Present and Here

Two small but powerful words – Part 1

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I am often asked what sets my book, Revolutionary Marriage, apart from other books on marriage. I did want to write a book that offered a fresh view of Christian marriage. Though I introduce many unique ideas in the book, I want to focus on two ideas in these next two blogs. I want to discuss two small but powerful words – Present and Here. These two words form a foundation for stabilizing a the experience of commitment in marriage. This blog entry is part 1 and focuses on the word Present.

In my book, I define Present as “a continual openness to connecting.” It means making yourself available. Why is this important? What does this look like?

Why is this important?

The reason for being Present and Here is that we are neurologically wired for connections in relationships. This attachment system is a hard-wired drive that pushes us towards safe connections (attachments) to increase our feelings of security. First described by John Bowlby in the middle of the 20th century, the attachment system was thought to be an instinctual drive for the good of infants and young children. The current thinking is that attachment is a drive that occurs across our lifespan and shapes our relationships.

Dr. John Bowlby introduced the “internal working model,” a roadmap for relationships formed from our earliest relationships (often our parents). If our earliest relationships were safe, stable, and predictable, then the roadmap in our minds allowed us to evaluate and trust future relationships based on the framework from our earliest attachments. If our early experiences in life came from unsafe, unstable, and chaotic relationships, this early roadmap would often lead to distrust and expected insecurity in future relationships.

This is why being “present” and continually open to connecting is so important in marriage. Let’s consider the marriage of a couple with different attachment roadmaps. There is a husband who grew up in a home where the earliest attachments were unsafe and chaotic. His mother left the home and never came back into his life when he was two. His father was and angry alcoholic and married a new “mom” who was strict, and verbally abusive. As this man grew into his teenage years he did everything possible to stay away from home and he left as early as he could to get away. The wife in this marriage grew up in a highly controlled home. To outsiders, her family looked loving, peaceful and well connected. But for this woman, the rigidity of the household often made he feel like she was not good enough and she struggled with significant self-doubts.

“You don’t build a bond without being present”

James Earl Jones

This husband and wife find each other in their mid-20s. She is attracted to his rugged independence and seeming lack of rigid control, while he is attracted to her ordered lifestyle and kindness. As they start to share life, all goes well initially. They are good friends, and they enjoy spending time together. The “opposites attract” principle initially works in their favor. But life and the stresses of managing a new household, including the addition of a child, begin to stress the marriage. He feels pressure to provide financial resources to cover expenses and keep up with their lifestyle. He pours himself into his work, using the old attachment road map of grit and withdrawal when relationships become chaotic. The added pressures of being a new mom and keeping the household clean and orderly are causing the old demons of self-doubt to creep in for this young wife. His increasing time away for work reinforces these feelings of insecurity. Any attempt to discuss this growing disconnection escalates into a fight, making him want to move away and her feeling more like a failure.

When each partner in the marriage risks choosing to be more present in these circumstances, then connections can be restored. By risk, I mean that they open themselves to the possibility of connections, knowing they might be rejected or disappointed. Though it is possible to be hurt emotionally when we risk being present, the only hope for reconnecting is to maintain and communicate an availability to connect. Being present is essential because it restores connection, solidifies commitment, and increases feelings of security.

What does this look like?

So, how do we demonstrate our openness to connection? It means taking risks for both sides of any connection. There is the risk of failure and the risk of vulnerability. The risk of failure is that our efforts to be available might not be received, and the risk of vulnerability is that we might not be heard. Being present is a continual openness to fine-tuning both sides of these risks to achieve the connection. Our tone of voice in any of these conversations is important. Be sure that you avoid any agitated or sarcastic tones. You can read any of these statements below with softened or sarcastic tones. The former will always be better.

Practical ways to overcome the risk of failure might include many of these ideas.

  • Take ownership of your past failures.
    • “I know I have not been a good listener. I hope you can try to tell me your concerns again so I can practice and get better.”
    • “I know I have been a poor time manager. I am going to work on putting an alarm or reminder in my phone. Can I show you this new app I found to help me out?”
  • Share what you plan to do in the future that is different than your past choices.
    • “I hear that you need me to be more affectionate. I am going to start by holding your hand more often and kissing you bye when we leave the house for work.”
    • “I understand that money is really tight right now. I will check in with you before making purchases over a certain amount. Can we agree on that amount together?”

Practical ways to overcome the risk of vulnerability include these ideas.

  • Share your feelings about a given experience.
    • “I felt dismissed when you were paying more attention to your show on the TV than to me when I was sharing about my day at work.”
    • “I felt lonely and abandoned when you were late to my important event.”
  • Share your needs on a regular basis. Be sure to make requests for what you need from your partner.
    • “I am needing you to initiate more affection. Without small affections I often feel lonely and disconnected.”
    • “I need you to be more careful with your spending. I am worried about our savings dwindling right now.”

Being present is about showing up in both vulnerable and decisive ways. It means sharing your needs and clearly stating your commitments to meet your partner’s needs. These attitudes of the heart will solidify feelings of commitment, security, and stability in the marriage.

Humility Goes a Long Way in Marriage

Dr. Mark DeYoung, marriage therapist,  experienced marriage therapist, Dr. Mark DeYoung, LMFT, online therapy, online counseling, Online Marriage and Family Therapist, Local therapist, Top rated counselor near me, Fort Worth, Texas, Virginia, Arizona, Florida, 817-988-8242, relationship crisis, marriage crisis, marriage therapy, BetterHelp, growtherapy, talkspace, Gottman Method, Gottman, top rated counselor, top rated therapist, best therapist, best counselor, experienced therapist, friendly therapist, happy marriage, relationship therapy, parenting, family therapy, marriage therapy, marriage advice, strong family, strong marriage, love and marriage, couples therapy, couples counseling, onlinetherapy, regain, attachment therapist

What makes you valuable? I often say in therapy that we all have a unique set of skills, talents, and abilities. When we share an intimate life with our marriage partner, we get the unique vantage point and blessing to see and experience all those skills, talents, and abilities. Yet, for all we bring to marriage that blesses and nurtures, we unfortunately disappoint and fail each other. This reality creates a tension between success and failure. The healthiest of married couples navigate this tension carefully and with skill. It means we need an honest assessment of our skills and honest ownership of our faults. Our partners need consistent, genuine validation of their contributions and graceful forgiveness of their failures. This is why I want to show you how humility goes a long way in marriage.

I grew up thinking that pride was bad. The rigid, legalistic tradition of my early faith years probably taught an overly literal interpretation of Proverbs 16:18:’ Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall ‘ (NRSV). As a kid, I had the idea that any sense of pride doomed you to certain destruction. But I think now we might need a bit more nuance and clarity in our perspective. Surely, an inflated, haughty spirit is bad (we will talk about this later). And honestly that is what I think the ancient wisdom is trying to teach us. But pride is something that is more subtly good and necessary for our mental health.

I love Brené Brown’s definition of pride from her book, Atlas of the Heart.

Pride is a feeling of pleasure or celebration related to our accomplishments or efforts.

Brené Brown

We need this type of pride because it encourages and uplifts. It accurately celebrates.

But the pride we don’t need is Hubris. This is what the ancient wisdom literature of Proverbs references. Again, Brené Brown gives us a good definition of Hubris.

Hubris is an inflated sense of one’s own innate abilities that is tied more to the need for dominance [to win] than to acutal accomplishments.

Brené Brown

Hubris not only exaggerates but also monopolizes. It is based on a misuse of power. Nobody needs this.

We definitely don’t need hubris in marriage. Did you catch that little bit at the end of the definition that ties hubris to dominance? It is far more about power than it is about your true skills, gifts, and abilities.

In my work with couples, I have found that many cycles of conflict can have a component of hubris. One partner needs to “win.” They must prove their “rightness” and their partner’s “wrongness.” And if both partners are determined to win, we better hold on tight. The fight is likely to get ugly quickly, and some form of harm will likely come to both. It doesn’t have to be this way, and the research shows that this type of gridlock is never healthy or productive.

Gottman’s research with married couples found that 69% of conflict is perpetual, with the same issues repeated. Successful couples don’t reduce perpetual conflict; they become better managers of it. They keep hubris and gridlock out of the conflict. There are specific tools to help you accomplish this goal. But first, you must understand the foundational need for humility.

Humility is openness to new learning combined with a balanced and accurate assessment of our contributions, including our strengths, imperfections, and opportunities for growth.

Brené Brown

I love this definition of humility. I want to break it down:

  • “Openness” – being vulnerable vs. closed.
  • “New learning” – a recognition that I don’t have all the answers to any given issue.
  • “Assessment” – I am willing to look at myself and engage in self-reflection.
  • “Strengths, imperfections, and opportunities for growth” – I know I have skills to contribute, but I am not perfect, and I can learn from the skills my partner brings to the marriage.

Humility is necessary in marriage because it is an openness within and between partners that is vulnerable and emotionally safe. Both partners are willing to offer the skills they bring and equally celebrate their partner’s abilities. We acknowledge and accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses. From this point, we can work together to achieve our goals rather than resist and fight each other. The couple is a community of two working towards the best interests of the two together rather than specific individual interests. We look for win-win outcomes, which are results that benefit the community of two. When one partner has to be the winner, we deal with hubris, but humility creates solutions where both win.

I think this quote again from Brené Brown says it well (bracketed words mine):

“I am here [in my marriage] to get it right, not to be right.”

Brené Brown

Humility keeps us from having to be right and win the fight. Humility helps us collaborate for the benefit of both, so that “we” get it right.

So what tools that I suggested earlier might help us eliminate hubris, increase humility and ultimately “get it right?” I have two suggestions:

  1. Turn down the emotional volume.
    When we approach a challenge or problem in marriage it never helps to discuss the issue with the emotional heat turned up. This can be as obvious as not yelling, criticizing, or sarcastic tones. But more subtly it can be that we choose an internal attitude of acceptance, grace, and ultimately forgiveness towards our partner. We should be willing to give the benefit of the doubt and not assume what our partner was thinking, planning or intending. We should ask questions of genuine interest. If we become upset or “emotionally flooded” taking a break from the conversation is always helpful.
  2. Accept the influence of your spouse.
    This means honoring, validating, and celebrating your spouse’s perspectives and skills. Couples often get into point-counterpoint gridlocks when discussing a problem, and they can break that cycle by accepting each other’s influence. Rather than pointing out an alternative, or worse, trying to prove your partner wrong, you find agreement with as much of what they are saying as possible. You remain open to learning from them.

It’s Time to End Male Spiritual Leadership

Husband Accepting Influence
Dr. Mark DeYoung, marriage therapist,  experienced marriage therapist, Dr. Mark DeYoung, LMFT, online therapy, online counseling, Online Marriage and Family Therapist, Local therapist, Top rated counselor near me, Fort Worth, Texas, Virginia, Arizona, Florida, 817-988-8242, relationship crisis, marriage crisis, marriage therapy, BetterHelp, growtherapy, talkspace, Gottman Method, Gottman, top rated counselor, top rated therapist, best therapist, best counselor, experienced therapist, friendly therapist, happy marriage, relationship therapy, parenting, family therapy, marriage therapy, marriage advice, strong family, strong marriage, love and marriage, couples therapy, couples counseling, onlinetherapy, regain, attachment therapist

I stopped attending Christian men’s conferences over ten years ago. The increasing hype, dopamine rush energy, and teaching left me feeling empty. Unfortunately, things have not improved (Read about a recent debacle at a Missouri men’s event here). During events like this, men frequently hear messages about being male spiritual leaders in their homes. My goal in this blog is to explain why it’s time to end male spiritual leadership as a common teaching in Christian communities.

Men’s conferences grew following the Promise Keepers movement of the early 1990s. If you want to read an excellent resource and analysis of how these events became a significant part of evangelical church culture, check out Jesus and John Wayne but Kristen DuMez. Like DuMez, one of my primary concerns with these events is that they do little to promote significant change or discipleship in a man’s Christian faith. Of course, there are good and often anecdotal life-changing impacts, but the overall result is often veneer only.

Like most, I would often walk away from these events with an energy and a passion for “doing good” or “better.” But getting back home to the family, I would quickly run into the wall of real life. The event’s energy is quickly deflated, and there is little staying power to change anything. My wife and I have often lamented that, similarly, going to church marriage conferences does little to help the couple that leaves the event and is right back to fighting as they get into the car. These weekend events’ high energy and adrenaline have minimal staying power to facilitate lasting change in everyday life. In church language, they are highly “attractional” but short on meaningful discipleship. And as I suggest in this blog, some of the teaching might be counterproductive to what we know makes healthy marriages.

Many of these men hear specific teachings that they need to step up and be the male spiritual leaders in their homes. The message is often received as a call to action. If you have not been engaged or active in your marriage or family, you need to “do something.” If you have been “leading,” you need to do more or do it better. Encouraging men to take charge and be decisive suggests that men have some power and authority in their homes. It is then assumed that this God-endorsed authority and power delivered in the pulpit and supposedly endorsed by scripture should result in a “blessing” of your family’s health. That all sounds good until it does not work that well. In my experience, it often leads to men feeling inadequate and women feeling hurt and disappointed. Ultimately, it just disconnects.

High-energy events do little to help the family or marriage face a “dark night of the soul.” All marriages face moments that rattle our sense of security and faith, and we need to ask if these events and the call for men to be male spiritual leaders, truly prepare men for moments of deep uncertainty. Let me offer you a few examples of dark nights that I have heard far too often in my work with families. (See note at bottom).1

  • Having attended so many church events growing up, the young man is now married but not experiencing the blissful union that he thought he should expect. He thought they “did it right.” He and his bride saved themselves for marriage sexually, but on their honeymoon, they struggled sexually. Sex caused her pain, and he became frustrated. And in his ignorance, he has angrily insisted that they continue to have sex despite the pain. Three months into their marriage, they have already grown distant and hopeless.
  • The 30-something-year-old husband whose wife cannot conceive. They decided to adopt. They could not have predicted the behavioral difficulties and stress of their now five-year-old. There are daily phone calls from the school. It negatively impacts their work, and the comparisons to their friends who seem to have perfectly well-adjusted kids are discouraging. This husband’s wife is now saying she wishes they never adopted this child, and she does not even like this child. This man often fights with his wife over coaching her on her parenting.
  • The 40-year-old’s teenage son was the “ideal child” and always made great grades in school, but he is now failing over half of his high school classes. He is at risk of losing his starting position on the football team, and he has come home to report that his girlfriend is pregnant. This husband harbors anger at his wife for not managing their household well while he was the primary income earner.
  • The man in his 50s has worked for his company for over 25 years and was told he is being let go. There is no severance. He is looking for jobs and running into many dead ends. He finds himself yelling at his wife because she is overspending and cannot follow a simple budget.
  • The retiree whose wife died ten years ago from a terrible cancer and whose children have refused to talk to him. He is lonely and angry and experiences many doubts about his faith over his lifetime. He privately stews that his wife made him out to be the bad guy to their children.

There have been and may continue to be many good things said to men in conferences. However, the examples of the men above illustrate how efforts to “lead” and assert “authority” only disconnect in times of challenge and pain when a connection is needed most. Unfortunately, telling men to stand up and be strong male spiritual leaders in their homes falls short and is often responsible for only more conflict and pain. It’s time to end male spiritual leadership.

Revolutionary Marrige Book

In my book, Revolutionary Marriage, I address the topic of male spiritual leadership. I share that in my practice as a marriage therapist for many couples over the years, this idea has not helped. It has done more harm by destabilizing the marriage unit. I’ll explain the problem in detail, but first, I’ll provide some history.

In the mid to late 1980s, conservative Christian leaders began to dialogue about the changes in American culture and politics specifically related to a rise in feminism, called second-wave feminism. Many in these circles viewed this as a threat. What rose out of these conversations was the idea of complementarian marriage. It is the idea that men and women have specific, scripturally defined roles for marriage. A central tenet of this view was that men are hierarchically in charge of the family and serve as “head” of the wife. They argue scripturally that this “authority” was established before the fall of man because Adam was created first, and Eve was created from Adam. You can read a very important historical document related to this view called the Danvers Statement. You can find it here. What is most important to note is that this idea of male spiritual leadership is a modern idea and little connection to the ancient church.

In Revolutionary Marriage, I suggest that these views are flawed. They ignore the creation story of Genesis 1, in which males and females are created together. And I suggest the story of Eve coming from Adams’s rib has less to do with hierarchy and authority (leadership) and far more to do with unity. A brief Google search can help you find many scholars who have written on these ideas and highlighted the problems with positions like the Danvers Statement. I might suggest Philip B. Payne, Beth Allison Barr, Marg Mowczko, Aimee Byrd, and Kristen DuMez.

When men are encouraged and told that they need to be the male spiritual leaders of their homes, it more often than not creates a power imbalance. Someone is in charge. Someone has to have the final say or deciding vote. Any position of power over another is antithetical to the kingdom Jesus established. Readh Marg Mowczko’s analysis of this idea here. Jesus came to turn all systems of power upside down. Consider the above examples about the “dark nights” many face in their married lives. Every example shows growing anger, resentment, and bitterness over their failed attempts to control or manage the situation and even their wives. All this hurt for wives (feeling misunderstood and belittled) and husbands (feeling like they are failing) sounds a lot like the curse from Genesis 3:16b, “You will long for your husband and will rule over you. (NIRV)” Firing men up with adrenaline and dopamine at a conference and sending them back home “to lead” is ripe for fueling these fires of conflict between spouses. When pastors, teachers, and church leaders teach the idea of male spiritual leadership, they are just endorsing the curse of Genesis 3.

A husband having any power over his wife was a part of the curse and never God’s intended plan. Please understand that many in the complementarian community would say that a husband’s authority is a “benevolent authority.” This is just trying to put a bow on patriarchy, and patriarchy was NEVER part of God’s plan. Adam and Eve were co-rulers according to Genesis 1:28a, “God blessed them. He said to them, “Have children so that there will be many of you. Fill the earth and bring it under your control… (NIRV)” I honestly fear that men struggle with this idea because they have bought the lie that power is what defines them as a man. I love the line from the Barbie movie, “I’m a man with no power, does that make me a woman?” No, no it does not.

Research from the Gottman Institute has consistently shown that men assuming authority places their marriages at risk. John and Julie Gottman developed a concept in their research called, “accepting influence.” It is defined as creating an atmosphere where you intentionally honor your spouse’s request and find a way to say “yes” whenever possible. It requires empathy and vulnerability to consider the needs and desires of your spouse. This has the effect of decreasing emotional intensity and deescalating conflict. The Gottman’s found that 65% of men were likely to choose a response to their wives that was resistant, or argumentative. This would consistently ratchet up the level of conflict.

Male spiritual leadership puts men in a position to escalate conflict because they often assert some decision-making authority. The assertion of authority is often resistant and argumentative to wives. However, the research by the Gottmans confirms Paul’s direction: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ,” Ephesians 5:21 (NIV). In our examples above, yielding to their wives’ influence might have looked a bit like this:

  • A young husband empathically listens to understand his wife’s pain. He needed to allow her to express her needs so they could mutually find safe, comfortable, and pain-free sexual activities.
  • A husband who validates the difficulties of parenting and finds ways they can work together to address the challenges.
  • A husband who invites his wife to explore the fears, grief, and anxiety about facing a teenage pregnancy. He asks for her perspective on how they might teach their son to be responsive to his girlfriend as she copes with this pregnancy.
  • The jobless husband who becomes less concerned with budgets, and listens to his wife’s fears and concerns about the finances.
  • The retired widower, who considers all the years his wife pleaded for his reconciliation with the children, decides to invite his children’s forgiveness and work towards rebuilding their trust.

Another quote from the Barbie movie fits here: “To be honest, when I found out the patriarchy wasn’t about horses, I lost interest anyways.” Christian husbands need to lose interest in the dopamine-high motivational speaker experiences of men’s conferences. They need to lose interest in being male spiritual leaders and become determined to accept their wives’ influence. We must find ways to engage with our wives empathically, collaboratively, and, most importantly, sacrificially. This is the type of love and service Jesus calls us to in our vocation of marriage.

  1. Please note that none of the examples given are of actual clients that I have worked with as a therapist. These are general descriptions of circumstances that I have heard in various forms over the years and in no way are meant to represent real persons ↩︎

A Brief Addendum

The debate over this issue is current and continues. On March 18 Christianity Today published and article by pastor and scholar, GORDON P. HUGENBERGER, titled “Complementarian at Home, Egalitarian at Church? Paul would Approve.”

I agree with Beth Felker Jones analysis of this article. Hugenberger does numerous gymnastics to weave an exegetical narrative of various NT verses in an attempt to bring some unity to the warring camps. The problem is he never addresses the problem of power brought by patriarchy and he attempts to preserve the slightest sliver of power for men in the home. Jesus abolished the use of power for all of his followers. This includes the use of power by husbands over wives.

I highly recommend Beth Felker Jones’s overarching discussion of gender and power throughout the Bible. It is a beautiful analysis.

30 Day Gratitude Journal

Gratitude is an essential ingredient for personal mental health and relational stability. This month, Dr. DeYoung wants to offer you a 30-day prompt for gratitude in your marriage. Each prompt is meant to generate a thought or feeling of gratitude. Don’t be too alarmed by the word “Journal” because the writing expectations are minimal. Each day of this activity, you would not be required to write more than one or two sentences. In fact, each prompt is written in a way that you will just need to complete the thought. If you do this journal as a couple, you can discuss them at the end of each week or the end of the month. Directly below you can click to downlad a PDF of the Gratitude Journal and print for easy access.


Day One

There are many qualities that I love or appreciate about my partner. When I think of one of those qualities I am most grateful for it is…

Day Two

There are many qualities that I love or appreciate about my partner. If I were to list a second quality that I am thankful for, it is…

Day Three

Reflecting on the last month, think of a time your partner gave you emotional support. I am grateful for my partner’s emotional support when I was dealing with…

Day Four

You have probably had some trips or vacations with your partner. One memory from our trips together that I am grateful for is…

Day Five

Change happens in marriages. The change can be good. One change that your partner has made is…

Day Six

Change happens in marriages. The change can be good. Another change that your partner has made is…

Day Seven

Conflict happens in marriages. Can you name a quality your partner has that helps you resolve conflicts? The quality you are thankful for is…

Day Eight

Conflict happens in marriages. Can you think of a recent conflict? What is one thing your partner did in that conflict that was helpful…?

Day Nine

Name one thing that you most admire about your partner…

Day Ten

Name the one favorite way your partner expresses love for you…

Day Eleven

Write down one of your dreams that you are most grateful to share with your partner…

Day Twelve

Write down another dream that you are most grateful to share with your partner…

Day Thirteen

Reflect back on your wedding day. What is one memory from that day that you are most thankful for…

Day Fourteen

Reflect back on your first date. What is one memory from that day that is most special…

Day Fifteen

If you are parenting together, what is one quality that your partner displays as a parent that you value…?
If you are not a parent, what quality do you imagine in your partner that would make them a good parent…?

Day Sixteen

What is one thing your partner did this last week that you are thankful for…?

Day Seventeen

What is one thing you and your spouse have accomplished that you feel proud of…?

Day Eighteen

What is another thing you and your spouse accomplished that you feel proud of…?

Day Nineteen

What is one value that you share…?

Day Twenty

What is a second value that you share…?

Day Twenty-one

Your partner has helped you grow and change. What is one change your partner has helped you make…?

Day Twenty-two

What is a second change your partner has helped you make…?

Day Twenty-three

What is one part of your sexual intimacy that you are thankful for…?

Day Twenty-four

Think of the last time you laughed really hard with your partner. What is your memory of this event…?

Day Twenty-five

What is the most attractive characteristic of your partner…?

Day Twenty-six

Do you have a favorite song, movie, TV show? Why are you thankful to share this with your partner…?

Day Twenty-seven

Sitting quietly, what is the first positive thing about your partner that comes to mind…?

Day Twenty-eight

When you have been married 50 years what is one thing you hope to still appreciate about your partner…?

Day Twenty-nine

Name the one thing that makes you want to come home to your partner every day…?

Day Thirty

Reflect over the past 29 days. What is the most surprising/exciting thing from this gratitude list that you are glad to have discovered…?

Breath – The Pause for Connection

In marriage therapy work, one of the listening and connection skills we practice is sharing our feelings/experiences and validating our partner’s experiences. This is a fundamental building block of relationships, and it can lead to significant communication complications when it breaks down. Let me give you some examples of how it can break down. 

Husband (H): I am upset and angry that you spent so much time on the phone with your mother when we had plans to go out with friends. It made us late. I hate being late. I guess you care about your mother more than me. 

Wife (W): I hear that you are angry. You just don’t get it. My mom needed me. You have never liked her anyway. 

H: Now you are just turning this on me. Always blaming me and never apologizing. 

W: I might try to apologize if you were nicer to my mother and me. Don’t you remember how you treated her last Christmas?

(The conflict escalates here as the couple no longer discusses the original problem). 


Here is a second example.

Wife (W): I felt alone and rejected last Tuesday when you got home so late. I had no idea that you planned to watch the game with friends. I had supper ready for us, and honestly, I was planning to watch the game with you after we ate. 

Husband (H): I can see being lonely. But what do you mean rejected? I am home with you every night. I have not been out with friends for over two months. It was Steve’s birthday. Maybe I should have texted you to remind you, but I told you about these plans on Sunday. It makes me angry that you are accusing me of rejecting you.

W: You never told me about these plans on Sunday. I was out with the kids most of the day, so we were never really together on Sunday. You think you communicate, but you don’t. 

H: You never listen to me. We were standing right there in the kitchen. You even told me to have a good time. Honestly, your accusations make me not want to spend any time with you because I can never get it right. 

(You can also imagine how this little exchange only gets worse). 


I want to present a model for how to have these conversations calmly, improve your connections, and reduce the intensity of conflict. In the example above, the couples do an excellent job of starting with sharing their feelings. These are good “I” statements. And the response of their spouses begins well. You might even say they were validating because they at least “parroted” back what their partner said. “I can see being lonely,” or “I hear that you are angry.” 

But each partner quickly switches into a defensive mode of blaming or playing the victim. These words of accusation and victimhood undo any sense of validation between the couple, and it severs their connections. At this point, it becomes a tit-for-tat explosion. 

Validation requires two components:

  1. Make sure your partner feels heard. Use your own words.
  2. Taking ownership of the problem or offense. Admit what you did that caused the offense. 

Let me show you a better validation from each of the examples above. In the first example, it could have sounded like this:

W: I know it made you mad for me to spend so much time on the phone with my mom. Being late has never been your favorite thing and it probably made you embarrassed that all our friends were there waiting on us when we arrived. (The wife has been on the phone for a long time, and she summarizes her partner’s feelings in her own words.)

In the second example, the husband could have started here:

H: I regret that you were lonely and even felt unimportant when I didn’t come home. I want to spend time together, too. I thought I had told you it was Steve’s birthday, but somehow, I failed to make sure you knew about these plans. It might have helped for me to text you during the day to make sure we were on the same page.  (Again, he used his own words but also offers a bit of what he wished he had done differently).

So these modifications are suitable, but often, in any problem, there are two perspectives. The partner who offers validation can end up asking in their mind, “Well, what about me? When does my partner understand me?” 

This is where the often missed step of “Taking a Breath” is omitted. If you look back to the original examples, the spouse who got defensive was using their failed validation as an attempt to present their viewpoint/feelings/perspective. This is a “cart before the horse” scenario. Breathing is the secret to reaching a point where both partners are heard. 

Here is how it works. Imagine that each partner in the examples above gives the improved “edited” validations I offered. After saying those validations, they want to get confirmation from their partner that they feel understood. They might say something like, “Yes, thank you.” Or “I appreciate your understanding.” There might be some nonverbal confirmation of a smile or relaxing sigh. If you are unsure if your partner feels you “get it,” you can always ask, “Do you think I understand?” If you receive confirmation, you can take a breath and offer your feelings/perspective.

Feelings – Breath Cycle

So, let’s rework the above conversations with the Validation-Breathe cycle and see how they improve and how both partners feel heard and respected. 


Example 1

Husband (H): I am upset and angry that you spent so much time on the phone with your mother when we had plans to go out with friends. It made us late. I hate being late. I guess you care about your mother more than me. (This last statement is a criticism and not appropriate. But if the spouse does the validation, it will help settle any anger).

Wife (W): I know it made you mad for me to spend so much time on the phone with my mom. Being late has never been your favorite thing and it probably made you embarrassed that all our friends were there waiting on us when we arrived. (The wife owns being on the phone for so long, and she summarizes her partner’s feelings in her own words).

H: You are right; I was embarrassed. Thank you for understanding.

W: BREATHE

W: I felt trapped that night. I knew we needed to be leaving, but my mom was really struggling with a serious problem. I know my mom is difficult, and I don’t even like dealing with her all the time, but she is my mom, and I am the only support she has right now. 

H: Trapped. Like you were feeling pressure from both me and your mom? 

W: Yes.

H: I can see that. I am not sure how we could have solved that situation better, but from now on I can try to be more understanding of how hard it might be to have to be the only source of support for you mom.

W: Thank you. 


Example 2

Wife (W): Last Tuesday, I felt alone and rejected when you got home so late. I had no idea that you planned to go watch the game with friends. I had supper ready for us, and honestly, I was making plans to watch the game with you after we ate. 

H: I regret that you were lonely and even felt unimportant when I didn’t come home. I want to spend time together, too. I thought I had told you that it was Steve’s birthday, but somehow, I failed to make sure you knew about these plans. It might have helped for me to text you during the day to make sure we were on the same page.

H: (a bit unsure of what his wife is feeling) Do you think I understand what you are trying to say?

W: Yes. I am sorry. I appreciate you hearing me. 

H: BREATHE

H: I was a bit confused today when you brought this up since I thought I had communicated with you. Again, I may have not give you the message clearly. I appreciate that you wanted to spend time together because I want the same thing. Can we try again and find a time to schedule?

W: I agree we somehow missed each other in communicating plans. Can we just plan for this next game night to be our time to watch the game together?

H: Yes, I cannot wait. 

Pausing and taking a breath are a couple of small ways to enhance validation and connection in your marriage. Those “little things” create a space of safety between the two of you. Pause and breathe, slow down the process, and keep you from rushing into sharing your feelings/experiences. Intimacy requires both partners to feel understood. Love chooses not to rush the process – “It [Love] does not insist on its own way.” (I Corinthians 13:5, NRSV) 

Being a Gift for Your Spouse

Gifts are the language of the holiday season. Meaningful gifts are often unexpected, meet a particular need, and communicate a message of value or importance. We love giving and receiving gifts because they are founded on love and sacrifice. The Christmas season celebrates God, offering himself as a gift in the incarnated Christ. In this gift-giving time, I am reminded of the marital union being bonded through the giving of self. I want to explore that idea in this blog and suggest ways you can be a meaningful gift for your spouse.

Marriage takes hard work. Many modern myths attempt to convince us that if we find the “right one,” marriage should work. But these myths make us lazy about the real work of marriage. Bono, the lead singer of U2, published a memoir titled Surrender in 2022. He reflects on his 41-year marriage to his high school sweetheart, Ali. 

“I’m sure that oneness is the direction of travel for all great loves, but I also accept that it does not happen on cue, at a ceremony, for example, like a wedding. It can happen in all kinds of different circumstances in the middle of the night or the middle of the day, when two lovers decide they want to be part of each other’s lives more than they desire their own independence, and in continuum they pledge their lives to each other…The universe may marvel at such perfectly imperfect love and the stars light your way, but back on earth, if you heed the statistics, it’s as if the world stands in the way of love. I’m sure the essence of romance is defiance, and what is more defiant than two young hearts, twenty-two and twenty-one, deciding to take on the odds, to challenge the dull-thud facts around an ancient ceremony in a modern world…Ali and I were moving in together, and now we were beginning to move together. On paper our marriage started that honeymoon week, but in truth it didn’t feel like that. We’d honored each other, made sacred vows, but the biggest moments in life may not be those we notice at the time. No fireworks, no explosions, no falling even more deeply in love now that we had time together. We were the playwrights and the play, the actors and the critics. Excited and nervous to begin our adventure together. No idea where we’d be in ten years. Twenty. Thirty. I raise you again. Forty years. We’ll eventually figure out what was going on in that moment.Rather than falling in love, we were climbing up toward it. We still are.”

In the memoir, each chapter is represented by one song selected from the U2 library. In this chapter about his wedding and marriage to Ali, the song chosen is “Two Hearts Beat as One.” In this song, Bono sings the lyric, “I said don’t stop the dance, maybe this is our last chance.” All marriages face “last chance” moments; survival depends on each partner staying in the dance, giving and receiving. In those moments, the power of “oneness” can save us if we do the work. The work requires communion between partners where each sacrifices to give themselves as a gift to the other consistently. 

All of this reminds me of Pope John Paul’s words in his book, “A Theology of the Body,” in which he explores the marital union. He conducts a rich examination of the Genesis creation accounts of Adam and Eve. He reminds us of the moments when God parades all the animals of creation in front of Adam to explore whether one of them might be a suitable partner. Of course, none suffice, not even the dog. God had, through love, given the gift of life to Adam, and the Pope asks a poignant question as Adam stands alone in his humanity. “…we must ask ourselves whether this first “man” in his original solitude, “lived” the world truly as a gift, with an attitude that conforms to the actual condition of someone who has received a gift…?”

There has to be an “other” to exchange the gift with. This is what God meant when he said it is “not good for the human to be alone. (Gen 2:18)” Humans need relational companionship to realize their makeup as image bearers of God fully. As Pope John Paul says, “He [Adam] realizes it only by existing ‘With someone’—and put even more deeply and completely, by existing ‘for someone.’” It is through this communion with someone that we can experience the reciprocal giving of self as a gift to another. It is at the heart of God’s identity and was fully realized in the incarnation of Jesus Christ. God wants to live in reciprocal communion with each of us, and he created us to do the same with each other. 

The heart of the communion in marriage is being a gift to your spouse. You gave yourself to each other. But this was not a one-time event. It is an ongoing process of giving yourself continually, consistently. I want to tell you about three ways you can offer yourself as a gift to your spouse. You can give Unexpectedly, Meet their Need, and Communicate their Value.

Unexpected

Most everyone loves a surprise gift. Though I recommend the occasional unexpected gift for your spouse, being an unexpected “gift” for your spouse is much deeper and will require more work. 

The work involves your ongoing decision to offer unearned grace and forgiveness. I speak about this in the chapter called “Safe Marriage” in my book. Marriage is to be a safe place when couples consistently forgive. Forgiveness is the decision not to make your spouse pay for the injuries they cause. This makes marriage safe because it clears the battleground of retaliation. Many of us know when our choices hurt our partner. As humans, we expect punishment or retribution. But the unexpected response of pardon reconciles and restores. 

If you are still thinking that flowers, candy, or a dinner out at the right time is the formula for providing an unexpected gift, then you are missing out. These things are nice, but your partner needs more. They need your unexpected gift of grace. In those moments of peace, restoration, and intimacy explode. 

Meet a Need

There have always been jokes about the husband who gets their wife a vacuum cleaner or some other appliance for their birthday or Christmas. It is a joke because, though the gift meets a need, it falls short of meeting a deeper emotional need for connection and understanding. Intimacy is rarely practical. 

What does your spouse need right now? Just think about that. What have you heard them say that is on their heart or they are concerned about? If you could do one thing for them right now, what would help them? If you can answer that question clearly, then stop reading and go do what came to mind. Serve your partner and meet their need. 

If nothing is coming to mind, then you should listen and engage with them a bit more. In my chapter, “Stable Marriage,” I share a concept called “I am Present.” This is the willful act of being available, listening, and understanding my spouse through engagement and empathy. We are a gift for our spouse when we have taken the time to listen and truly hear their needs. Meeting those needs consistently builds stability in your marriage. It is those sacrifices of service (not your pocketbook) that ultimately strengthen your bond.

Communicate Value

Expensive gifts are nice. At their heart, they give a message of value to the recipient. Car companies with commercials of cars with bows on top are abundant in the holiday season. Many car companies would love to sell you a car in December to help their year-end bottom line and help you have a momentary romantic vision of the bow on the car in the snow-covered driveway (though the snow is unlikely in Texas, where I live). 

But again, giving your spouse an expensive gift is not the best way to communicate their true value. The best way to be a gift to your spouse is to see their value and share that value in the ways you speak to them, build them up, encourage and support them. Your words are powerful, and they have the very power of life for your spouse. I share thoughts about this idea in my chapter, “Successful Marriage.” Your marriage has the opportunity to participate in the life-giving resurrection work of God’s kingdom. This is done in the gift of your words to your spouse. 

When you speak kindness, encouragement, or value to your spouse, they are made alive. This world and the life we must live in is full of discouragement and death. Your marriage can be a restorative space. You are a gift when you speak healing to your partner’s hurts. You are a gift when you speak the truth about your spouse’s character. You are a gift when you encourage and support them to use their gift and talents.

These are the ways to be a gift. Unexpected grace, Meeting Needs, and Communicating Value. As you unwrap presents this holiday season, you can offer yourself as a gift in these ways. I pray God blesses your efforts. 

Marriage Therapy Outcomes

Dr. DeYoung did an analysis of all his work with couples for the past 10 years. It includes work with over 250 couples and just under 4000 hours of therapy with couples in that time. 

Couples who commit to therapy beyond three meetings with Dr. DeYoung have an 88% success rate for therapy. On average those couples participated in 18 hours of therapy. 

A common reason for marriage therapy is affairs. Dr. DeYoung has worked with numerous couples attempting to overcome the challenges of betrayal from affairs. 78% of couples that have worked with Dr. DeYoung accomplish their therapy goals. This subset of couples participated in 21 hours of therapy on average. 

Couples can also be affected by problems from substance abuse. Dr. DeYoung has worked with numerous couples attempting to cope with problems caused by substance use. 74% of couples that have worked with Dr. DeYoung and also been dealing with substance abuse accomplish their therapy goals. 

This subset of couples participated in 21 hours of therapy on average. ​

Therapy in Bare Feet

We have developed a significant comfort level with telehealth options for our medical and mental health care. My private practice has shifted from providing in-home therapy to meeting with clients solely via encrypted and secure video. Following the pandemic, I found this method highly effective, convenient, safe, and practical for couples and families. 

Doing so much by video has changed many things. And one of those things is what we wear while conducting business by video. Since we only see each other from the chest up, this has lent itself to greater freedom in clothing options from the waist down. This may have created some rather embarrassing moments for some, but I can guarantee that I have consistently maintained a must-be-wearing “jeans” policy for all therapy sessions. But I do have a confession. I am barefoot for nearly 100% of therapy sessions. I even have a small heater for my feet in winter because cold toes can significantly distract me. 

Walking barefoot has many benefits. So many nerve endings in the bottom of the foot are stimulated when freed from shoes. Before you read any further, go outside and stand in the grass while you finish this blog. Imagine walking on the beach, splashing in the water, and enjoying the sand between your toes. When I walk outside to get the mail, my feet on the grass or pavement causes feelings to move up my entire body. If you are in the grass, notice that now. Those nerve endings activate and cause all manner of emotions. New sensations move from the bottom of our feet through our entire body. Feeling new phenomena in the grass, sand, or concrete often brings unique, heightened awareness. We might be more careful with our steps or slow down and experience the sensations deeply. The effect of the new feelings and heightened awareness is that we are more effectively attuned to our environment.

Another benefit to walking barefoot is loosening constraints. Taking your shoes off after a long day can feel so freeing. There is a bit of tension relief. Having your feet free can even be soothing. There is freedom in being barefoot. Now, I am confident the ladies understand this more than we guys do. You ladies have shoes that press and contort your feet in all manner of uncomfortable ways. We do many things for style and having the right image. We often want to “put the best foot forward” (sorry, I couldn’t help it). But all this foot dressing is also limiting. Something we need freedom from. Being barefoot frees us from the superficial coverings that bind and create discomfort.   

I never set out to do therapy in bare feet intentionally. The context of using a home office has made the choice a natural one. And the experience of doing therapy in bare feet has helped connect me with some important values for treatment. 

Heightened awareness of self and our other relationships is necessary for change in therapy. We have to learn to slow down and listen more. We tune into our feelings and reactions to understand their source better. Just as walking barefoot helps us feel new feelings and possibly feel them more deeply, participating in therapy can do the same. Feeling deep and connecting with our inside selves is a part of the therapeutic process. We call this process insight or gaining self-awareness. It requires us to observe, reflect, and draw inferences about our experiences, feelings, and emotions. When working with a couple, individual, or family, I find success in peeling past immediate problem-solving solutions and helping make insightful connections to our inner experiences and feelings. This process is not always comfortable, and it can even be painful. It is like stepping on an unexpected sharp stone when walking through the yard (or a Lego in a dark house). But it is often in these new spaces of awareness we can see, understand, and experience our problems in a way that can facilitate change. 

Just like removing our shoes loosens constraints, we must do similar things in therapy. We must push our boundaries, nudge outside our comfort zones, and challenge our conventional thinking. When we experience problems in life, they are often supported by assumptions, beliefs, and values that can bind us. We may feel compelled to live behind a mask or project a particular identity.  Change is at the center of therapy. Change means many things, including seeing, thinking, feeling, and behaving differently. To experience change, we have to get unstuck; successful therapy helps us to do that. Hopefully, working together in therapy creates a type of freedom. In this space, we can test, challenge, and change those constraints in our lives that have us trapped or stuck.

Therapy in bare feet is a good idea. I encourage you to do the same. Take your shoes off and walk in the grass. Feel new things. Feel them more deeply. Find the freedom to explore new feelings, test your assumptions, and challenge yourself to growth and change. Show your therapist your bare feet on the screen or take your shoes off in their office. Tell them you want to do therapy in your bare feet. I don’t think they will mind.

Listening

Listening is an essential skill in marriage, but it is also challenging. When we listen well to our spouse, we enhance the connection and overall well-being of the marriage. Unfortunately, we will likely need help with some bad habits in our listening. I want to identify six bad habits and offer you some antidotes to the bad habits.

Interrupting
This habit is self-explanatory. We cut off the statement or thought of our partner to share our thoughts or feelings. This makes our partner feel we don’t care what they say. We place more importance on our position.

Story-Topping
Story-topping is the choice to connect what your partner is saying with something about you. It often comes with the message that what you have experienced or think is more important than what your spouse says. It can create a one-up environment where you compete for importance.

Bright-Siding
When you are “bright-side,” you are trying to get your partner to move off the negative and focus on the good parts of their story. You might think this optimism is encouraging. But the truth is it can be invalidating of your spouse. It can make them feel like they are exaggerating their negative response and their feelings are unimportant.

Being Right
You can quickly escalate conflict when you must point out your position on a problem. This is a confrontation with what your spouse is saying and implies there is one correct position or perspective.

Being All-Knowing
The popular term for this tactic is “mansplaining.” This attitude of having an answer for everything can be off-putting. It can make a spouse feel like you think they are stupid or incapable.

Advice-Giving
Giving advice is another way to invalidate your partner. This behavior wraps up being right and all-knowing into one. It is an almost guaranteed way to create conflict. I think it is best to offer advice when directly asked.

Remedies for lousy listening habits

Patience
Listening cannot be done with speed. It takes time. The agenda needs to be set by your partner and their story. When you interrupt, you often rush a process that takes time. Before you respond or interrupt what your partner is saying – pause and take a breath. Could you slow the process down?

Prioritize your Partner
When your partner shares something with you, whether small or very significant, they are the most critical thing. They are your priority. Connecting their story to something about yourself elevates you when they should be the focus.  Don’t be Penelope from SNL.

Presence over positivity
This is probably the biggest struggle for someone like myself who sees the world in a “glass half-full” way. What our partners need is our presence. They need us to be with them and validate their feelings and concerns rather than just trying to put a positive spin on the situation. Sometimes, our response is unnecessary; they need us to say I am here and will stay with you.

Permit their perspective
Listening to our spouse often involves discussing a problem or potential conflict. We need to permit their perspective rather than engaging in a point-counterpoint debate. This usually means we must take ownership of our contribution to the problem.  Once we have validated their experience and taken ownership, we can share our perspective on the problem more successfully.

Practice Humility
Whether we are “mansplaining” or need an ego boost by trying to show how much we know, these behaviors are unnecessary in marriage. We should all know that we don’t “know it all.” And even if we are very knowledgeable about a topic, we need to have the humility to recognize that sharing our supposed wisdom negates the benefits of our spouse feeling heard.

Promote their needs
The most important result of good listening must be meeting our partner’s needs. Sometimes, they will directly state their needs, but we might have to infer their need by listening well. We should always check and promote whatever our spouse needs. Giving advice does not meet their need. It is rather dismissive and can make a person feel as if you are blowing them off. When our spouse is hurting, they don’t need advice. Your spouse needs your ear, understanding, and intentional actions to meet their needs in the moment.