Nova the #TherapyCat October 2024 Edition

I love the name my human parents gave me – “Nova”. It is an astronomical word, describing the sudden brightening of a star. It is an explosion of light. I hope I can bring you a little “light” in these blogs. And as Nova the #TherapyCat, I am glad to get to share with you stories and insights about my growth and maturing. I am always going to be playful and full of energy. My kitten spirit is not going away. And this month I am excited to introduce you to Moose – the new four legged friend in the house. Welcome to Nova the #TherapyCat October 2024 Edition.

What is this large and loud object that rolls across the floor? My human parents pass this hose extension all over the floors. How do you feel when you experience something new? It makes me both afraid and curious. My human father says new stuff is stimulating because it is interesting. It is also not uncommon to have a mix of emotions when see or try new things. Maybe like me, you feel fearful and curious, or maybe you feel surprised and excited. We probably should not give up on exploring new things in our life. As for me I am planning a sneak attack on this odd thing. I will successfully attack and deactivate it. I will let you know how it goes in a future post.

This tunnel is my favorite place. It is a spot for feeling safe and planning sneak attacks. Everybody needs a safe space. I recommend you find a space in your home or in a nearby park, a place you can sit and rest. But don’t let it become a permanent spot to hide. You gotta make some sneak attacks. You need to contribute to the joy, excitement, and newness in this world. Where would we all be if there was no surprise? I am a master of surprise. Just ask my human mother. I can make her jump at least once a day. So here is the takeaway – Don’t use your safe spaces for isolation. Rest. Recharge. Jump into life, make sure everyone knows you exist, and show you are alive!

Sleep is one of my favorite things. Now, we cat folk need more sleep than you human types, which makes sleep no less Important for you guys. I get as much sleep as I can, and I highly recommend it. What is your sleep schedule? Are you getting enough? One of my top recommendations as Nova the #TherapyCat is to get regular and consistent sleep. Find you a cozy soft space, get comfortable, and get some rest!

This is me wrapped up in some Amazon packing paper. I bet you get some of this stuff at your house regularly. I love this stuff. It’s noisy, and it hides all sorts of surprises. It’s fantastic that something so plain can bring so much joy. I think we can all benefit from finding joy in small things. Can you try that today? Look around your house or step outside for a walk and look for some of the small things. My human parents were telling me the other day about hearing the calls of the screech owls in the park near our house. I am sure that sound is pretty sweet (of course I might not mind getting my paws one of those little birdies, heehee).

Introducing Moose

This is Moose. He is a greyhound mix, and he belongs to my human sister. She adopted him from a local shelter and surprised me by bringing him home. He is pretty cool. I stalk him, but he mostly chases me. He thinks he is pretty intelligent, but he does not understand the superior intellectual nature of cats. I let him believe he can catch me, but I always escape. I have to be careful and not allow my superiority make me feel all prideful and arrogant. Moose is my friend. Here is the lesson from Nova the #TherapyCat – Have fun with all the new friends in your life, and always treat them with kindness and respect.

I hope you have enjoyed Nova the #TherapyCat October 2024 Edition. I look forward to seeing you in a few months.

Present and Here

Two small but powerful words – Part 2

Dr. Mark DeYoung, marriage therapist,  experienced marriage therapist, Dr. Mark DeYoung, LMFT, online therapy, online counseling, Online Marriage and Family Therapist, Local therapist, Top rated counselor near me, Fort Worth, Texas, Virginia, Arizona, Florida, 817-988-8242, relationship crisis, marriage crisis, marriage therapy, BetterHelp, growtherapy, talkspace, Gottman Method, Gottman, top rated counselor, top rated therapist, best therapist, best counselor, experienced therapist, friendly therapist, happy marriage, relationship therapy, parenting, family therapy, marriage therapy, marriage advice, strong family, strong marriage, love and marriage, couples therapy, couples counseling, onlinetherapy, regain, attachment therapist

Last month’s blog, Present and Hear, was Part 1 of this two-part series. We specifically explored the word “present.” Being present was defined as a “continual openness to connecting.” It is an attitude of the heart that takes risks to preserve connection in the relationship.

“You don’t build a bond without being present”

James Earl Jones

This blog (Part 2) will discuss the importance of being “here” for our partners. In my book, I define being here as “consistently making time for connecting…we reserve time and space for our partner.” Being “here” is a much more physical act. We accomplish it with our embodied selves, whereas being present is something we do within our spirit or inner selves.

I qualitatively studied foster parents and their attachment experiences during my doctoral dissertation research. A qualitative study collects the stories and experiences of the participants in a narrative format. This involves hours of interviewing, recording, transcribing (which I could not have finished without my wonderful wife), and analysis of transcript pages. This is all done to pull out the themes related to the research subject of foster parents’ attachment experiences. I am so grateful for what the foster parents in my research taught me about attachment and love in relationships.

Rose (not her real name) was one of the foster parents I had the privilege of meeting and interviewing. As you read her words below, try to hear her voice expressing her understanding of the need to make herself consistently and physically available to the foster children in her care.

“I think at first, they [foster children] don’t receive it very well. Like the two new ones I got now, the twins, I don’t think the new little boy receive very well. But now he’s showing more affection than his sister is. I don’t think he ever got any love either. But now I think he’s gasping for it. He-he’s really wanting more, the more you show him, it seems like the more he needs. He is really soaking it in like a sponge. It makes me feel good. It makes me think that I am doing my part…I think they know that I am here. They know that I would do my best to protect them from anything. I tell them that. I tell them that I’m always here.”

Rose

Foster mom

Rose worked hard to be consistently available to the children in her care. As they slowly began to trust her physical availability, they would “soak it in like a sponge.” They were hungry for connection. In part 1 of this blog, we talked about Attachment Theory and how, as human beings, we have an innate drive to seek connection and security.

The primary way to have that security is to know someone will be physically available to us – they will be here. John Bowlby, the father of Attachment Theory, called this our Secure Base. It is an anchor point we can always physically return to when the world feels unsteady.

The need for a Secure Base continues into adulthood, and our marriage partners can and should serve as an anchor point in the winds and waves of life. Ultimately, these efforts at connections help solidify trust and commitment. The foster mom, Rose, who consistently made herself close and available, helped the kids in her care develop trust in her commitment to them. As marriage partners, we can do the same by being present and here for our partners.

So how can we really live out providing that physical proximity, promoting security and stability?

  1. Make regular time to talk and connect.
    Committing to a regular time to check in and talk is the bedrock of healthy marriages. We need face-to-face communication. God created you with a deep desire and need to be in physical proximity to others. In marriage, our eyes meet when we sit close, facing each other. We regularly need these times when we look each other in the eye and talk. My recommendation for most couples is at least 20 minutes, three times per week.
  2. Find mutually fun activities for both of you to engage in together regularly.
    When I offer my live Revolutionary Marriage Conference, one of our significant experiences is to create a ‘menu’ of choices for fun, connecting activities. The idea here is to remind us that we have shared interests that we can pick and choose from for connection. Maybe you like games, taking walks, going to the zoo, or working on puzzles. Should you consider the hobby of painting, reading a book together, or completing a home improvement project? There are so many options; we need to get our brainstorming juices flowing and make the list.
  3. Have “micro-dates.” These are much more important than “date nights.”
    Many marriage conferences suggest that couples should have regular date nights. I agree that date nights can be beneficial, but if these are the only activities we rely on, we will struggle with consistency and disappointment. What if we cannot coordinate schedules or we get sick? What if the great night we planned just happens poorly due to unexpected circumstances? If we put all our eggs in the “date night” basket, the gamble might not have the expected payoff. We need to have many more lower risk, “micro-dates.” These are little ways to connect that are low cost, spontaneous, and require small time commitment. Here just a few ideas: hug, kiss, holding hands, playing a game, walk in the park, picnic, grabbing an ice cream, quick trip to the gym for a couples yoga class, or cooking a meal together.

Our physical proximity to our partners increases feelings of trust and commitment. This promotes security and stability in the marriage. We have great power in two little words – Present and Here.

That is how to live out commitment. Consistently connect – with no barriers between us. We reserve time and space for our partner.

Revolutionary Marriage, Dr. Mark DeYoung

Present and Here

Two small but powerful words – Part 1

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I am often asked what sets my book, Revolutionary Marriage, apart from other books on marriage. I did want to write a book that offered a fresh view of Christian marriage. Though I introduce many unique ideas in the book, I want to focus on two ideas in these next two blogs. I want to discuss two small but powerful words – Present and Here. These two words form a foundation for stabilizing a the experience of commitment in marriage. This blog entry is part 1 and focuses on the word Present.

In my book, I define Present as “a continual openness to connecting.” It means making yourself available. Why is this important? What does this look like?

Why is this important?

The reason for being Present and Here is that we are neurologically wired for connections in relationships. This attachment system is a hard-wired drive that pushes us towards safe connections (attachments) to increase our feelings of security. First described by John Bowlby in the middle of the 20th century, the attachment system was thought to be an instinctual drive for the good of infants and young children. The current thinking is that attachment is a drive that occurs across our lifespan and shapes our relationships.

Dr. John Bowlby introduced the “internal working model,” a roadmap for relationships formed from our earliest relationships (often our parents). If our earliest relationships were safe, stable, and predictable, then the roadmap in our minds allowed us to evaluate and trust future relationships based on the framework from our earliest attachments. If our early experiences in life came from unsafe, unstable, and chaotic relationships, this early roadmap would often lead to distrust and expected insecurity in future relationships.

This is why being “present” and continually open to connecting is so important in marriage. Let’s consider the marriage of a couple with different attachment roadmaps. There is a husband who grew up in a home where the earliest attachments were unsafe and chaotic. His mother left the home and never came back into his life when he was two. His father was and angry alcoholic and married a new “mom” who was strict, and verbally abusive. As this man grew into his teenage years he did everything possible to stay away from home and he left as early as he could to get away. The wife in this marriage grew up in a highly controlled home. To outsiders, her family looked loving, peaceful and well connected. But for this woman, the rigidity of the household often made he feel like she was not good enough and she struggled with significant self-doubts.

“You don’t build a bond without being present”

James Earl Jones

This husband and wife find each other in their mid-20s. She is attracted to his rugged independence and seeming lack of rigid control, while he is attracted to her ordered lifestyle and kindness. As they start to share life, all goes well initially. They are good friends, and they enjoy spending time together. The “opposites attract” principle initially works in their favor. But life and the stresses of managing a new household, including the addition of a child, begin to stress the marriage. He feels pressure to provide financial resources to cover expenses and keep up with their lifestyle. He pours himself into his work, using the old attachment road map of grit and withdrawal when relationships become chaotic. The added pressures of being a new mom and keeping the household clean and orderly are causing the old demons of self-doubt to creep in for this young wife. His increasing time away for work reinforces these feelings of insecurity. Any attempt to discuss this growing disconnection escalates into a fight, making him want to move away and her feeling more like a failure.

When each partner in the marriage risks choosing to be more present in these circumstances, then connections can be restored. By risk, I mean that they open themselves to the possibility of connections, knowing they might be rejected or disappointed. Though it is possible to be hurt emotionally when we risk being present, the only hope for reconnecting is to maintain and communicate an availability to connect. Being present is essential because it restores connection, solidifies commitment, and increases feelings of security.

What does this look like?

So, how do we demonstrate our openness to connection? It means taking risks for both sides of any connection. There is the risk of failure and the risk of vulnerability. The risk of failure is that our efforts to be available might not be received, and the risk of vulnerability is that we might not be heard. Being present is a continual openness to fine-tuning both sides of these risks to achieve the connection. Our tone of voice in any of these conversations is important. Be sure that you avoid any agitated or sarcastic tones. You can read any of these statements below with softened or sarcastic tones. The former will always be better.

Practical ways to overcome the risk of failure might include many of these ideas.

  • Take ownership of your past failures.
    • “I know I have not been a good listener. I hope you can try to tell me your concerns again so I can practice and get better.”
    • “I know I have been a poor time manager. I am going to work on putting an alarm or reminder in my phone. Can I show you this new app I found to help me out?”
  • Share what you plan to do in the future that is different than your past choices.
    • “I hear that you need me to be more affectionate. I am going to start by holding your hand more often and kissing you bye when we leave the house for work.”
    • “I understand that money is really tight right now. I will check in with you before making purchases over a certain amount. Can we agree on that amount together?”

Practical ways to overcome the risk of vulnerability include these ideas.

  • Share your feelings about a given experience.
    • “I felt dismissed when you were paying more attention to your show on the TV than to me when I was sharing about my day at work.”
    • “I felt lonely and abandoned when you were late to my important event.”
  • Share your needs on a regular basis. Be sure to make requests for what you need from your partner.
    • “I am needing you to initiate more affection. Without small affections I often feel lonely and disconnected.”
    • “I need you to be more careful with your spending. I am worried about our savings dwindling right now.”

Being present is about showing up in both vulnerable and decisive ways. It means sharing your needs and clearly stating your commitments to meet your partner’s needs. These attitudes of the heart will solidify feelings of commitment, security, and stability in the marriage.

Humility Goes a Long Way in Marriage

Dr. Mark DeYoung, marriage therapist,  experienced marriage therapist, Dr. Mark DeYoung, LMFT, online therapy, online counseling, Online Marriage and Family Therapist, Local therapist, Top rated counselor near me, Fort Worth, Texas, Virginia, Arizona, Florida, 817-988-8242, relationship crisis, marriage crisis, marriage therapy, BetterHelp, growtherapy, talkspace, Gottman Method, Gottman, top rated counselor, top rated therapist, best therapist, best counselor, experienced therapist, friendly therapist, happy marriage, relationship therapy, parenting, family therapy, marriage therapy, marriage advice, strong family, strong marriage, love and marriage, couples therapy, couples counseling, onlinetherapy, regain, attachment therapist

What makes you valuable? I often say in therapy that we all have a unique set of skills, talents, and abilities. When we share an intimate life with our marriage partner, we get the unique vantage point and blessing to see and experience all those skills, talents, and abilities. Yet, for all we bring to marriage that blesses and nurtures, we unfortunately disappoint and fail each other. This reality creates a tension between success and failure. The healthiest of married couples navigate this tension carefully and with skill. It means we need an honest assessment of our skills and honest ownership of our faults. Our partners need consistent, genuine validation of their contributions and graceful forgiveness of their failures. This is why I want to show you how humility goes a long way in marriage.

I grew up thinking that pride was bad. The rigid, legalistic tradition of my early faith years probably taught an overly literal interpretation of Proverbs 16:18:’ Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall ‘ (NRSV). As a kid, I had the idea that any sense of pride doomed you to certain destruction. But I think now we might need a bit more nuance and clarity in our perspective. Surely, an inflated, haughty spirit is bad (we will talk about this later). And honestly that is what I think the ancient wisdom is trying to teach us. But pride is something that is more subtly good and necessary for our mental health.

I love Brené Brown’s definition of pride from her book, Atlas of the Heart.

Pride is a feeling of pleasure or celebration related to our accomplishments or efforts.

Brené Brown

We need this type of pride because it encourages and uplifts. It accurately celebrates.

But the pride we don’t need is Hubris. This is what the ancient wisdom literature of Proverbs references. Again, Brené Brown gives us a good definition of Hubris.

Hubris is an inflated sense of one’s own innate abilities that is tied more to the need for dominance [to win] than to acutal accomplishments.

Brené Brown

Hubris not only exaggerates but also monopolizes. It is based on a misuse of power. Nobody needs this.

We definitely don’t need hubris in marriage. Did you catch that little bit at the end of the definition that ties hubris to dominance? It is far more about power than it is about your true skills, gifts, and abilities.

In my work with couples, I have found that many cycles of conflict can have a component of hubris. One partner needs to “win.” They must prove their “rightness” and their partner’s “wrongness.” And if both partners are determined to win, we better hold on tight. The fight is likely to get ugly quickly, and some form of harm will likely come to both. It doesn’t have to be this way, and the research shows that this type of gridlock is never healthy or productive.

Gottman’s research with married couples found that 69% of conflict is perpetual, with the same issues repeated. Successful couples don’t reduce perpetual conflict; they become better managers of it. They keep hubris and gridlock out of the conflict. There are specific tools to help you accomplish this goal. But first, you must understand the foundational need for humility.

Humility is openness to new learning combined with a balanced and accurate assessment of our contributions, including our strengths, imperfections, and opportunities for growth.

Brené Brown

I love this definition of humility. I want to break it down:

  • “Openness” – being vulnerable vs. closed.
  • “New learning” – a recognition that I don’t have all the answers to any given issue.
  • “Assessment” – I am willing to look at myself and engage in self-reflection.
  • “Strengths, imperfections, and opportunities for growth” – I know I have skills to contribute, but I am not perfect, and I can learn from the skills my partner brings to the marriage.

Humility is necessary in marriage because it is an openness within and between partners that is vulnerable and emotionally safe. Both partners are willing to offer the skills they bring and equally celebrate their partner’s abilities. We acknowledge and accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses. From this point, we can work together to achieve our goals rather than resist and fight each other. The couple is a community of two working towards the best interests of the two together rather than specific individual interests. We look for win-win outcomes, which are results that benefit the community of two. When one partner has to be the winner, we deal with hubris, but humility creates solutions where both win.

I think this quote again from Brené Brown says it well (bracketed words mine):

“I am here [in my marriage] to get it right, not to be right.”

Brené Brown

Humility keeps us from having to be right and win the fight. Humility helps us collaborate for the benefit of both, so that “we” get it right.

So what tools that I suggested earlier might help us eliminate hubris, increase humility and ultimately “get it right?” I have two suggestions:

  1. Turn down the emotional volume.
    When we approach a challenge or problem in marriage it never helps to discuss the issue with the emotional heat turned up. This can be as obvious as not yelling, criticizing, or sarcastic tones. But more subtly it can be that we choose an internal attitude of acceptance, grace, and ultimately forgiveness towards our partner. We should be willing to give the benefit of the doubt and not assume what our partner was thinking, planning or intending. We should ask questions of genuine interest. If we become upset or “emotionally flooded” taking a break from the conversation is always helpful.
  2. Accept the influence of your spouse.
    This means honoring, validating, and celebrating your spouse’s perspectives and skills. Couples often get into point-counterpoint gridlocks when discussing a problem, and they can break that cycle by accepting each other’s influence. Rather than pointing out an alternative, or worse, trying to prove your partner wrong, you find agreement with as much of what they are saying as possible. You remain open to learning from them.

It’s Time to End Male Spiritual Leadership

Husband Accepting Influence
Dr. Mark DeYoung, marriage therapist,  experienced marriage therapist, Dr. Mark DeYoung, LMFT, online therapy, online counseling, Online Marriage and Family Therapist, Local therapist, Top rated counselor near me, Fort Worth, Texas, Virginia, Arizona, Florida, 817-988-8242, relationship crisis, marriage crisis, marriage therapy, BetterHelp, growtherapy, talkspace, Gottman Method, Gottman, top rated counselor, top rated therapist, best therapist, best counselor, experienced therapist, friendly therapist, happy marriage, relationship therapy, parenting, family therapy, marriage therapy, marriage advice, strong family, strong marriage, love and marriage, couples therapy, couples counseling, onlinetherapy, regain, attachment therapist

I stopped attending Christian men’s conferences over ten years ago. The increasing hype, dopamine rush energy, and teaching left me feeling empty. Unfortunately, things have not improved (Read about a recent debacle at a Missouri men’s event here). During events like this, men frequently hear messages about being male spiritual leaders in their homes. My goal in this blog is to explain why it’s time to end male spiritual leadership as a common teaching in Christian communities.

Men’s conferences grew following the Promise Keepers movement of the early 1990s. If you want to read an excellent resource and analysis of how these events became a significant part of evangelical church culture, check out Jesus and John Wayne but Kristen DuMez. Like DuMez, one of my primary concerns with these events is that they do little to promote significant change or discipleship in a man’s Christian faith. Of course, there are good and often anecdotal life-changing impacts, but the overall result is often veneer only.

Like most, I would often walk away from these events with an energy and a passion for “doing good” or “better.” But getting back home to the family, I would quickly run into the wall of real life. The event’s energy is quickly deflated, and there is little staying power to change anything. My wife and I have often lamented that, similarly, going to church marriage conferences does little to help the couple that leaves the event and is right back to fighting as they get into the car. These weekend events’ high energy and adrenaline have minimal staying power to facilitate lasting change in everyday life. In church language, they are highly “attractional” but short on meaningful discipleship. And as I suggest in this blog, some of the teaching might be counterproductive to what we know makes healthy marriages.

Many of these men hear specific teachings that they need to step up and be the male spiritual leaders in their homes. The message is often received as a call to action. If you have not been engaged or active in your marriage or family, you need to “do something.” If you have been “leading,” you need to do more or do it better. Encouraging men to take charge and be decisive suggests that men have some power and authority in their homes. It is then assumed that this God-endorsed authority and power delivered in the pulpit and supposedly endorsed by scripture should result in a “blessing” of your family’s health. That all sounds good until it does not work that well. In my experience, it often leads to men feeling inadequate and women feeling hurt and disappointed. Ultimately, it just disconnects.

High-energy events do little to help the family or marriage face a “dark night of the soul.” All marriages face moments that rattle our sense of security and faith, and we need to ask if these events and the call for men to be male spiritual leaders, truly prepare men for moments of deep uncertainty. Let me offer you a few examples of dark nights that I have heard far too often in my work with families. (See note at bottom).1

  • Having attended so many church events growing up, the young man is now married but not experiencing the blissful union that he thought he should expect. He thought they “did it right.” He and his bride saved themselves for marriage sexually, but on their honeymoon, they struggled sexually. Sex caused her pain, and he became frustrated. And in his ignorance, he has angrily insisted that they continue to have sex despite the pain. Three months into their marriage, they have already grown distant and hopeless.
  • The 30-something-year-old husband whose wife cannot conceive. They decided to adopt. They could not have predicted the behavioral difficulties and stress of their now five-year-old. There are daily phone calls from the school. It negatively impacts their work, and the comparisons to their friends who seem to have perfectly well-adjusted kids are discouraging. This husband’s wife is now saying she wishes they never adopted this child, and she does not even like this child. This man often fights with his wife over coaching her on her parenting.
  • The 40-year-old’s teenage son was the “ideal child” and always made great grades in school, but he is now failing over half of his high school classes. He is at risk of losing his starting position on the football team, and he has come home to report that his girlfriend is pregnant. This husband harbors anger at his wife for not managing their household well while he was the primary income earner.
  • The man in his 50s has worked for his company for over 25 years and was told he is being let go. There is no severance. He is looking for jobs and running into many dead ends. He finds himself yelling at his wife because she is overspending and cannot follow a simple budget.
  • The retiree whose wife died ten years ago from a terrible cancer and whose children have refused to talk to him. He is lonely and angry and experiences many doubts about his faith over his lifetime. He privately stews that his wife made him out to be the bad guy to their children.

There have been and may continue to be many good things said to men in conferences. However, the examples of the men above illustrate how efforts to “lead” and assert “authority” only disconnect in times of challenge and pain when a connection is needed most. Unfortunately, telling men to stand up and be strong male spiritual leaders in their homes falls short and is often responsible for only more conflict and pain. It’s time to end male spiritual leadership.

Revolutionary Marrige Book

In my book, Revolutionary Marriage, I address the topic of male spiritual leadership. I share that in my practice as a marriage therapist for many couples over the years, this idea has not helped. It has done more harm by destabilizing the marriage unit. I’ll explain the problem in detail, but first, I’ll provide some history.

In the mid to late 1980s, conservative Christian leaders began to dialogue about the changes in American culture and politics specifically related to a rise in feminism, called second-wave feminism. Many in these circles viewed this as a threat. What rose out of these conversations was the idea of complementarian marriage. It is the idea that men and women have specific, scripturally defined roles for marriage. A central tenet of this view was that men are hierarchically in charge of the family and serve as “head” of the wife. They argue scripturally that this “authority” was established before the fall of man because Adam was created first, and Eve was created from Adam. You can read a very important historical document related to this view called the Danvers Statement. You can find it here. What is most important to note is that this idea of male spiritual leadership is a modern idea and little connection to the ancient church.

In Revolutionary Marriage, I suggest that these views are flawed. They ignore the creation story of Genesis 1, in which males and females are created together. And I suggest the story of Eve coming from Adams’s rib has less to do with hierarchy and authority (leadership) and far more to do with unity. A brief Google search can help you find many scholars who have written on these ideas and highlighted the problems with positions like the Danvers Statement. I might suggest Philip B. Payne, Beth Allison Barr, Marg Mowczko, Aimee Byrd, and Kristen DuMez.

When men are encouraged and told that they need to be the male spiritual leaders of their homes, it more often than not creates a power imbalance. Someone is in charge. Someone has to have the final say or deciding vote. Any position of power over another is antithetical to the kingdom Jesus established. Readh Marg Mowczko’s analysis of this idea here. Jesus came to turn all systems of power upside down. Consider the above examples about the “dark nights” many face in their married lives. Every example shows growing anger, resentment, and bitterness over their failed attempts to control or manage the situation and even their wives. All this hurt for wives (feeling misunderstood and belittled) and husbands (feeling like they are failing) sounds a lot like the curse from Genesis 3:16b, “You will long for your husband and will rule over you. (NIRV)” Firing men up with adrenaline and dopamine at a conference and sending them back home “to lead” is ripe for fueling these fires of conflict between spouses. When pastors, teachers, and church leaders teach the idea of male spiritual leadership, they are just endorsing the curse of Genesis 3.

A husband having any power over his wife was a part of the curse and never God’s intended plan. Please understand that many in the complementarian community would say that a husband’s authority is a “benevolent authority.” This is just trying to put a bow on patriarchy, and patriarchy was NEVER part of God’s plan. Adam and Eve were co-rulers according to Genesis 1:28a, “God blessed them. He said to them, “Have children so that there will be many of you. Fill the earth and bring it under your control… (NIRV)” I honestly fear that men struggle with this idea because they have bought the lie that power is what defines them as a man. I love the line from the Barbie movie, “I’m a man with no power, does that make me a woman?” No, no it does not.

Research from the Gottman Institute has consistently shown that men assuming authority places their marriages at risk. John and Julie Gottman developed a concept in their research called, “accepting influence.” It is defined as creating an atmosphere where you intentionally honor your spouse’s request and find a way to say “yes” whenever possible. It requires empathy and vulnerability to consider the needs and desires of your spouse. This has the effect of decreasing emotional intensity and deescalating conflict. The Gottman’s found that 65% of men were likely to choose a response to their wives that was resistant, or argumentative. This would consistently ratchet up the level of conflict.

Male spiritual leadership puts men in a position to escalate conflict because they often assert some decision-making authority. The assertion of authority is often resistant and argumentative to wives. However, the research by the Gottmans confirms Paul’s direction: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ,” Ephesians 5:21 (NIV). In our examples above, yielding to their wives’ influence might have looked a bit like this:

  • A young husband empathically listens to understand his wife’s pain. He needed to allow her to express her needs so they could mutually find safe, comfortable, and pain-free sexual activities.
  • A husband who validates the difficulties of parenting and finds ways they can work together to address the challenges.
  • A husband who invites his wife to explore the fears, grief, and anxiety about facing a teenage pregnancy. He asks for her perspective on how they might teach their son to be responsive to his girlfriend as she copes with this pregnancy.
  • The jobless husband who becomes less concerned with budgets, and listens to his wife’s fears and concerns about the finances.
  • The retired widower, who considers all the years his wife pleaded for his reconciliation with the children, decides to invite his children’s forgiveness and work towards rebuilding their trust.

Another quote from the Barbie movie fits here: “To be honest, when I found out the patriarchy wasn’t about horses, I lost interest anyways.” Christian husbands need to lose interest in the dopamine-high motivational speaker experiences of men’s conferences. They need to lose interest in being male spiritual leaders and become determined to accept their wives’ influence. We must find ways to engage with our wives empathically, collaboratively, and, most importantly, sacrificially. This is the type of love and service Jesus calls us to in our vocation of marriage.

  1. Please note that none of the examples given are of actual clients that I have worked with as a therapist. These are general descriptions of circumstances that I have heard in various forms over the years and in no way are meant to represent real persons ↩︎

A Brief Addendum

The debate over this issue is current and continues. On March 18 Christianity Today published and article by pastor and scholar, GORDON P. HUGENBERGER, titled “Complementarian at Home, Egalitarian at Church? Paul would Approve.”

I agree with Beth Felker Jones analysis of this article. Hugenberger does numerous gymnastics to weave an exegetical narrative of various NT verses in an attempt to bring some unity to the warring camps. The problem is he never addresses the problem of power brought by patriarchy and he attempts to preserve the slightest sliver of power for men in the home. Jesus abolished the use of power for all of his followers. This includes the use of power by husbands over wives.

I highly recommend Beth Felker Jones’s overarching discussion of gender and power throughout the Bible. It is a beautiful analysis.

30 Day Gratitude Journal

Gratitude is an essential ingredient for personal mental health and relational stability. This month, Dr. DeYoung wants to offer you a 30-day prompt for gratitude in your marriage. Each prompt is meant to generate a thought or feeling of gratitude. Don’t be too alarmed by the word “Journal” because the writing expectations are minimal. Each day of this activity, you would not be required to write more than one or two sentences. In fact, each prompt is written in a way that you will just need to complete the thought. If you do this journal as a couple, you can discuss them at the end of each week or the end of the month. Directly below you can click to downlad a PDF of the Gratitude Journal and print for easy access.


Day One

There are many qualities that I love or appreciate about my partner. When I think of one of those qualities I am most grateful for it is…

Day Two

There are many qualities that I love or appreciate about my partner. If I were to list a second quality that I am thankful for, it is…

Day Three

Reflecting on the last month, think of a time your partner gave you emotional support. I am grateful for my partner’s emotional support when I was dealing with…

Day Four

You have probably had some trips or vacations with your partner. One memory from our trips together that I am grateful for is…

Day Five

Change happens in marriages. The change can be good. One change that your partner has made is…

Day Six

Change happens in marriages. The change can be good. Another change that your partner has made is…

Day Seven

Conflict happens in marriages. Can you name a quality your partner has that helps you resolve conflicts? The quality you are thankful for is…

Day Eight

Conflict happens in marriages. Can you think of a recent conflict? What is one thing your partner did in that conflict that was helpful…?

Day Nine

Name one thing that you most admire about your partner…

Day Ten

Name the one favorite way your partner expresses love for you…

Day Eleven

Write down one of your dreams that you are most grateful to share with your partner…

Day Twelve

Write down another dream that you are most grateful to share with your partner…

Day Thirteen

Reflect back on your wedding day. What is one memory from that day that you are most thankful for…

Day Fourteen

Reflect back on your first date. What is one memory from that day that is most special…

Day Fifteen

If you are parenting together, what is one quality that your partner displays as a parent that you value…?
If you are not a parent, what quality do you imagine in your partner that would make them a good parent…?

Day Sixteen

What is one thing your partner did this last week that you are thankful for…?

Day Seventeen

What is one thing you and your spouse have accomplished that you feel proud of…?

Day Eighteen

What is another thing you and your spouse accomplished that you feel proud of…?

Day Nineteen

What is one value that you share…?

Day Twenty

What is a second value that you share…?

Day Twenty-one

Your partner has helped you grow and change. What is one change your partner has helped you make…?

Day Twenty-two

What is a second change your partner has helped you make…?

Day Twenty-three

What is one part of your sexual intimacy that you are thankful for…?

Day Twenty-four

Think of the last time you laughed really hard with your partner. What is your memory of this event…?

Day Twenty-five

What is the most attractive characteristic of your partner…?

Day Twenty-six

Do you have a favorite song, movie, TV show? Why are you thankful to share this with your partner…?

Day Twenty-seven

Sitting quietly, what is the first positive thing about your partner that comes to mind…?

Day Twenty-eight

When you have been married 50 years what is one thing you hope to still appreciate about your partner…?

Day Twenty-nine

Name the one thing that makes you want to come home to your partner every day…?

Day Thirty

Reflect over the past 29 days. What is the most surprising/exciting thing from this gratitude list that you are glad to have discovered…?

Nova the #TherapyCat

Nova has been a popular addition to the blogs. Her first offering was so well received that over 95% said they wanted her to write a regular contribution. So, after a restful holiday season, Nova has told me she has some new insights to share. She even said she was willing to talk about a bit of her trauma history.

Holidays are a time for giving and receiving gifts. But sometimes the best gifts are in the unexpected surprises of any celebration. Jumping in and out of a gift bag brings joy and surprise to everyone. Nova wants to encourage everyone to try and find joy in the unexpected.

After all the holiday celebrations, when all the decorations are put away and the house is cleaned, rest is important. Nova wants to remind everyone that scheduling in a good period of rest is healthy.

Nova became an orphan early in her life. She was born at a car dealership sales lot, and her mom was hit by a car only a few weeks into her life. She was quickly whisked away into an adoptive home. Nova still has periods of sadness when she thinks about her loss. But she wants to remind everyone that waves of grief are a normal part of coping with loss.

Hiding might be either good or bad. If we hide to bring surprise, that joy might be good. Of course, our impulsive leaps might scare someone and prompt an unexpected yell. This might cause the second type of hiding: covering up from shame. But if we hide out of shame, we must work on our vulnerability. Nova likes the work of Brene Brown, who suggests one of our tools for healing our shame is reaching out, “Are you owning and sharing your story? We cannot experience empathy if we are not connecting.”

Nova asks, “Do you have a safe place?” Where do you go to process your experiences and feelings? Do you have a space, like a comfy bed, or do you go to a place in your mind? Nova recommends having a safe space. Nova’s is a comfy bed by the window, which is especially nice when the warm sun moves across it in the morning.

Have a happy February!

Breath – The Pause for Connection

In marriage therapy work, one of the listening and connection skills we practice is sharing our feelings/experiences and validating our partner’s experiences. This is a fundamental building block of relationships, and it can lead to significant communication complications when it breaks down. Let me give you some examples of how it can break down. 

Husband (H): I am upset and angry that you spent so much time on the phone with your mother when we had plans to go out with friends. It made us late. I hate being late. I guess you care about your mother more than me. 

Wife (W): I hear that you are angry. You just don’t get it. My mom needed me. You have never liked her anyway. 

H: Now you are just turning this on me. Always blaming me and never apologizing. 

W: I might try to apologize if you were nicer to my mother and me. Don’t you remember how you treated her last Christmas?

(The conflict escalates here as the couple no longer discusses the original problem). 


Here is a second example.

Wife (W): I felt alone and rejected last Tuesday when you got home so late. I had no idea that you planned to watch the game with friends. I had supper ready for us, and honestly, I was planning to watch the game with you after we ate. 

Husband (H): I can see being lonely. But what do you mean rejected? I am home with you every night. I have not been out with friends for over two months. It was Steve’s birthday. Maybe I should have texted you to remind you, but I told you about these plans on Sunday. It makes me angry that you are accusing me of rejecting you.

W: You never told me about these plans on Sunday. I was out with the kids most of the day, so we were never really together on Sunday. You think you communicate, but you don’t. 

H: You never listen to me. We were standing right there in the kitchen. You even told me to have a good time. Honestly, your accusations make me not want to spend any time with you because I can never get it right. 

(You can also imagine how this little exchange only gets worse). 


I want to present a model for how to have these conversations calmly, improve your connections, and reduce the intensity of conflict. In the example above, the couples do an excellent job of starting with sharing their feelings. These are good “I” statements. And the response of their spouses begins well. You might even say they were validating because they at least “parroted” back what their partner said. “I can see being lonely,” or “I hear that you are angry.” 

But each partner quickly switches into a defensive mode of blaming or playing the victim. These words of accusation and victimhood undo any sense of validation between the couple, and it severs their connections. At this point, it becomes a tit-for-tat explosion. 

Validation requires two components:

  1. Make sure your partner feels heard. Use your own words.
  2. Taking ownership of the problem or offense. Admit what you did that caused the offense. 

Let me show you a better validation from each of the examples above. In the first example, it could have sounded like this:

W: I know it made you mad for me to spend so much time on the phone with my mom. Being late has never been your favorite thing and it probably made you embarrassed that all our friends were there waiting on us when we arrived. (The wife has been on the phone for a long time, and she summarizes her partner’s feelings in her own words.)

In the second example, the husband could have started here:

H: I regret that you were lonely and even felt unimportant when I didn’t come home. I want to spend time together, too. I thought I had told you it was Steve’s birthday, but somehow, I failed to make sure you knew about these plans. It might have helped for me to text you during the day to make sure we were on the same page.  (Again, he used his own words but also offers a bit of what he wished he had done differently).

So these modifications are suitable, but often, in any problem, there are two perspectives. The partner who offers validation can end up asking in their mind, “Well, what about me? When does my partner understand me?” 

This is where the often missed step of “Taking a Breath” is omitted. If you look back to the original examples, the spouse who got defensive was using their failed validation as an attempt to present their viewpoint/feelings/perspective. This is a “cart before the horse” scenario. Breathing is the secret to reaching a point where both partners are heard. 

Here is how it works. Imagine that each partner in the examples above gives the improved “edited” validations I offered. After saying those validations, they want to get confirmation from their partner that they feel understood. They might say something like, “Yes, thank you.” Or “I appreciate your understanding.” There might be some nonverbal confirmation of a smile or relaxing sigh. If you are unsure if your partner feels you “get it,” you can always ask, “Do you think I understand?” If you receive confirmation, you can take a breath and offer your feelings/perspective.

Feelings – Breath Cycle

So, let’s rework the above conversations with the Validation-Breathe cycle and see how they improve and how both partners feel heard and respected. 


Example 1

Husband (H): I am upset and angry that you spent so much time on the phone with your mother when we had plans to go out with friends. It made us late. I hate being late. I guess you care about your mother more than me. (This last statement is a criticism and not appropriate. But if the spouse does the validation, it will help settle any anger).

Wife (W): I know it made you mad for me to spend so much time on the phone with my mom. Being late has never been your favorite thing and it probably made you embarrassed that all our friends were there waiting on us when we arrived. (The wife owns being on the phone for so long, and she summarizes her partner’s feelings in her own words).

H: You are right; I was embarrassed. Thank you for understanding.

W: BREATHE

W: I felt trapped that night. I knew we needed to be leaving, but my mom was really struggling with a serious problem. I know my mom is difficult, and I don’t even like dealing with her all the time, but she is my mom, and I am the only support she has right now. 

H: Trapped. Like you were feeling pressure from both me and your mom? 

W: Yes.

H: I can see that. I am not sure how we could have solved that situation better, but from now on I can try to be more understanding of how hard it might be to have to be the only source of support for you mom.

W: Thank you. 


Example 2

Wife (W): Last Tuesday, I felt alone and rejected when you got home so late. I had no idea that you planned to go watch the game with friends. I had supper ready for us, and honestly, I was making plans to watch the game with you after we ate. 

H: I regret that you were lonely and even felt unimportant when I didn’t come home. I want to spend time together, too. I thought I had told you that it was Steve’s birthday, but somehow, I failed to make sure you knew about these plans. It might have helped for me to text you during the day to make sure we were on the same page.

H: (a bit unsure of what his wife is feeling) Do you think I understand what you are trying to say?

W: Yes. I am sorry. I appreciate you hearing me. 

H: BREATHE

H: I was a bit confused today when you brought this up since I thought I had communicated with you. Again, I may have not give you the message clearly. I appreciate that you wanted to spend time together because I want the same thing. Can we try again and find a time to schedule?

W: I agree we somehow missed each other in communicating plans. Can we just plan for this next game night to be our time to watch the game together?

H: Yes, I cannot wait. 

Pausing and taking a breath are a couple of small ways to enhance validation and connection in your marriage. Those “little things” create a space of safety between the two of you. Pause and breathe, slow down the process, and keep you from rushing into sharing your feelings/experiences. Intimacy requires both partners to feel understood. Love chooses not to rush the process – “It [Love] does not insist on its own way.” (I Corinthians 13:5, NRSV) 

Welcome to Dr. DeYoung’s Blog

This is a fresh new space for Dr. DeYoung’s blog. You will find all of his past blog posts here. They are tagged and placed in categories. Dr. DeYoung writes on couples, families, faith, mental health and even a few current events. Feel free to explore.

Present and Here

Two small but powerful words – Part 2 Last month’s blog, Present and Hear, was Part 1 of this two-part series. We specifically explored the word “present.” Being present was defined as a “continual openness to connecting.” It is an attitude of the heart that takes risks to preserve connection in the relationship. “You don’t…

Continue Reading Present and Here

Present and Here

Two small but powerful words – Part 1 I am often asked what sets my book, Revolutionary Marriage, apart from other books on marriage. I did want to write a book that offered a fresh view of Christian marriage. Though I introduce many unique ideas in the book, I want to focus on two ideas…

Continue Reading Present and Here

Accept vs. Alleviate

​The mental health arena is rich with references to the stages of grief that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced us to way back in 1969. The final phase of her model is acceptance. When bad stuff happens, we deny, get angry, bargain, become depressed, and according to the model ideally reach a point of acceptance. Yet increasingly much of our culture refuses to accept grief and pain. We choose to alleviate our pain-loss-disappointment with various strategies. Acceptance (as defined by Kubler-Ross) is unfortunately an important emotional skill our culture seems to have abandoned. We have become addicted to making ourselves feel better. We don’t like hurts, and in fact we do our very best to avoid it. 

Why has this happened? Can we really do anything about it? How do we develop a culture of Acceptance versus the need to alleviate or avoid pain? Attachment theory and its perspective on early childhood development might offer some insights.

In attachment theory we talk about how an infant protests and tantrums to express a need. Things don’t feel right, and the child is uncomfortable with their circumstances (hungry, tired, hurting, gassy, etc.). Their expression of discomfort is a cue that the parent needs to respond. In an ideal world this happens almost perfectly, but the world is not really ideal. As much as parents (even the best parents) diligently attempts to understand their child’s needs they sometimes fail. When this happens in the context of a healthy parent child relationship, the child actually learns to develop a sense of acceptance (grace, benefit of the doubt) of their parent’s failure. Though they may not feel great about the parent’s lack of responsiveness and they may actually be disappointed, they accept it. They even develop a resilience and tolerance for waiting the next time there is a need. Ultimately leading to an ability to recall times past when the parent was responsive and met their needs and so the occasional failure can be endured.

The problem comes in our culture’s obsession with alleviating pain. We want so bad to be free of discomfort that when frustrations, losses, or disappointments occur we scramble as quick as possible to respond and escape the pain. We don’t want for ourselves or for others to hurt, so we rush in to fix.

Parents overprotect their kids. 
Legislators curry favor with disadvantaged groups. 
Therapists entitle rather than empower. 
Corporations peddle pleasure to solve your woes. 

The results are people who take wide swaths to avoid challenge and engage in tirades rather than tolerance.

If we don’t like something we protest, we boycott, or we belittle.

If we see something upsetting, we post about it on Facebook or write a blog – we passionately believe the lie that the world is really going to hear our voice if we put it on a public forum.

If an employee of a company treats us disrespectfully we quickly fire off an often contemptuous email to corporate headquarters.

We soothe our hurts with all manner of drugs, bad habits, and sugary carbohydrates. We spend more money than we have. We gorge our stomachs. We inject our bodies with toxins.

We use social media to self-promote our “best life” so we can convince ourselves that things are not that bad. We obsess with “likes” and emojis believing the falsity that the more “thumbs up” we acquire, the more consensus we have from our online friends.

Using attachment thinking, if the parent were perfectly responsive the child would never develop perseverance. So our culture, refuses to accept that a better day is coming. We cry out and hope our outburst will alleviate our suffering and disappointment. The child survives the parent’s slight by recognizing and accepting that circumstances will improve. The secondary benefit is that the child might come to empathize with the parent’s failure. The parent never intended harm by their oversight. The child can develop a sense of grace in their misfortune. 

Maybe there is value to a quiet reserved acceptance of our stance in life. Look – bad stuff happens. No one has the ability to escape all difficulty. There seems to be a value to suffering. Seems like our culture needs a little toughening up, rather than persistently tantruming like two-year olds. We could shoulder the weight of some discomfort, and possible help ourselves become stronger. Acceptance does not make the pain go away, but it clarifies what is important and helps us develop empathy for others. So grow your tolerance muscle. Accept your sorrow. It is likely your next door neighbor knows something about what you are dealing with.

Note: Severe failure by a parent is neglect and we would identify such a mismatch in the parent child relationship as abusive and for the sake of this discussion, it is not a type of failure I am referencing. Rather I would suggest that a normal part of relationships means there are going to be mismatches and disappointments in the meeting of needs. Please remember I am not referencing overt situations of assault or abuse that cause pain. Those are completely different circumstances that require swift and clear boundaries to protect the innocent parties from any injury.