A Case for Monogamy

Odd Reactions to Sexual Betrayal

The month of July 2025 was consumed with two news stories of sexual betrayal. The first involved the embarrassing exposure of an affair between two executives (the CEO and the human resources executive) with a technology company. They were caught on the “kiss cam” at a Coldplay concert. The second story is the storm surrounding the Epstein files, which the Trump administration claims to have had but now mysteriously no longer has. The biggest question mark in this story is at what level the president is involved, and whether it is possible that the files reveal that President Trump engaged in pedophilic sexual assault of a minor. The fascinating contrast and reactions to these two stories have been interesting, and I believe they can help us better understand a case for monogamy.

My role as a therapist heightened my curiosity about the public’s response to both of these stories. Though they both involve private sexual behavior that is damaging, one received excoriating criticism, and the other was dismissed by some. You might think that two consenting adults having an affair (which is all too common) would be met with some level of apathy, but due to the viral nature of social media, the couple at the Coldplay concert received public humiliation that was reminiscent of the scarlet letter punishments of the 1600s. Contrast this response with the fact that there is a large segment of the US electorate that believes the likelihood of having a pedophile in the White House is just another conspiracy theory of the left, leaving many to brush off this possibility.

These contrasting and honestly confusing responses illustrate what seems to be deep problems with our views of sexuality in society. And since many of the dismissive responses to the accusations against the president seem to come from Christian circles, maybe we need to consider that the Christian sexual ethic is deeply flawed. Most would agree that monogamy is central to Biblical sexual ethics, yet our struggle with articulating “why” monogamy leads to bizarre cultural responses like we had in July.

Let me be clear on my position-both sexual betrayals in these stories are wrong. And honestly, they are wrong for the same reasons. In both cases, there is a misuse of power and a treatment of sex purely for the purpose of selfish gratification. The Coldplay couple betrayed their marriage vows, and the American public deserves to know without a doubt whether a pedophile sits in the Oval Office. I am also not suggesting that the public’s response should just be reversed, with apathy towards and a witch-hunt for the president. Rather, I would like to suggest a perspective from which to view both scenarios that will provide a clearer-headed response to them.

A New Case for Monogamy

Unfortunately, there are many church pulpits that teach about marriage this way. Much of the teaching in Christian circles lends itself to messages of women being subordinate to men, and this just does not align with an accurate interpretation of the original languages. For a more in-depth exploration, consider reading this blog.

Currently, in Christian circles, even extreme views in this area are being aired in popular forums. Most recently, many of you may have seen the CNN interview of a rather notorious leader in evangelical Christian circles, Doug Wilson. He was quoted in the interview as describing women as simply being “the kind of people that people come out of.” You can watch the whole interview here. Joel Webbon, a pastor and podcaster who describes himself as a disciple of Doug Wilson, has openly promoted the idea that women should not be allowed to vote. Pete Hegseth, the current defense secretary and a member of Doug Wilson’s church, reposted the CNN video in which pastors in Doug Wilson’s church stated plainly that women should not be allowed to vote.

Even though these ideas are extreme and would surely not be supported by the vast majority of our society, the fact that they are given any consideration in popular media and within our government circles should be cause for alarm. They have been birthed and supported by the more subtle teachings of women in subordination or differing “roles” in most churches, and have unfortunately caused us to stray from the true meaning behind an ezer-kenegdo marriage. When you support or believe in a relationship structure that has a power differential and emphasis on subordination by one partner, you are bound to have problems of power and selfishness. These two qualities are seeds for sexual betrayal.

Ezer-Kenegdo

But living out the concepts of ‘ezer-kenegdo’ makes and supports a case for monogamy. There are two ideas here that, when combined, elevate the value of monogamy.

First, we should treat our marriage partners as if they are vital and indispensable. By sharing ourselves, we bring life to each other. Serving builds our partner up. So, using our unique skills and talents, we serve and sacrifice for each other. When you abandon your vows for an affair, your work, your addiction, or any other selfish interest, you are literally stealing life from your marriage partner. You are killing them with loneliness because you have taken your life-giving gifts and decided to use them elsewhere. In turn, you are likely also making choices that reject your partner’s ability to give to you. It is a double theft and the wounds cut deep with a high risk of destroying the very life between you.

You can treat your spouse as vital and indispensable by valuing, admiring, and sharing appreciation for the gift they are to you. You should never take them for granted; rather, hold them in honor. Express your appreciation and make it a regular practice. These things bring both of you life, and you can’t do without them. If you do this, you will protect yourself from the temptation of believing the grass is greener elsewhere. You will have soaked your heart and mind in the very things you can’t live without.

Second, we should treat our marriage partners as equals. Power should play no role in marriage. Your partner is your equal. When you treat your marriage where one partner has authority, value, or rights over the other, you are on a path to disconnection. The Gottmans, in their research with married couples, found that one of the most destructive attitudes in marriage is contempt. They define contempt as happening “when you feel and act superior. It’s putting oneself on a higher plane, looking down from a position of authority with an attitude of, ‘I’m better/smarter/neater/cleaner/more punctual, etc. than you.’”

Contempt is often an unfortunate consequence of complementarian teaching in many Christian communities. I have written about this in my book. The contempt forms between a husband and wife because he believes that all the work he does for the family does not receive the requisite respect, and the wife is disappointed in what she believes a “leading” husband should be doing. The judgmental fights that follow these beliefs are marked by contempt and exacerbate the distance between the couple.

You can treat your spouse as an equal in value by sharing what you need (rather than what you expect your partner to do) and by sharing gratitude and appreciation for the gifts and blessings your partner offers you. You honor and respect the gift they are to you. You hold each other in high esteem.

As we can see, contempt grows deep roots of distance and disconnection. And power motivates a person’s selfish gratification. Ezer-kenegdo offers an antidote to both of these evils. It encourages a laser-like focus on our beloved partner. A focus that honors their gifts and offers our sacrifices. Your partner provides vital needs for you, and you offer yourself in-kind. It is something you cannot have with someone else, and if you try, your selfishness is met with glaring disappointment, and you must sift through the emotional rubble of betrayal. And when you use power to demand your satisfaction, in your marriage or outside, the damage done to the other soul is catastrophic. Power maims, but Ezer-kenegdo provides a safe, intimate space between two committed partners. It does not wound, but rather it nurtures and brings life by serving and respecting. And it can only be achieved in a monogamous relationship.