SEEKING

The Anticipation of Connection

Have you ever encountered something—a place, an idea, a person—that made you want to know more? That impulse is not just curiosity. It is part of a core emotional system in the brain called SEEKING.

In marriage, this system is essential. It drives the desire to explore, understand, and stay connected to your partner over time.

In a previous blog, I explored the idea of “being known” and the role of vulnerability in marriage. That work led me to revisit Panksepp’s model of emotional systems. I wanted to deepen the ties between the ways I utilize Gottman’s research and integrate emotional systems.

The Gottmans have clearly provided us with tools for building strong relationships, but Panksepp helps explain the emotional systems those tools are managing. This series explores how the two work together.

Each month, we will explore one of Panksepp’s emotional systems – SEEKING, PLAY, CARE, LUST, RAGE, FEAR, and PANIC/GRIEF. We will connect each of these systems to Gottman’s concepts and interventions, and I will offer at least one new activity or intervention you can use in your marriage. 

This month, we talk about SEEKING. True, deep intimacy is “knowing and being known.” And the path to this type of rich connection requires activating the SEEKING system. You may be wondering about the use of all-caps to describe the affective systems. Panksepp used all-caps to convey these ideas as complex neurological systems rather than just singular emotions. They describe a state of being more than a specific experience or feeling. 

I doubt the average person sees SEEKING as an emotional component of their being. This significant affective domain in our minds encompasses curiosity, interest, anticipation, and the motivation to explore, find, and learn new things. It is a core component of what makes us human, and something infants engage in during the first seconds after birth. Infants begin using this system immediately. They study faces, expressions, and responses, building an internal map of safety and connection.

The challenges of intimacy in marriage can uniquely activate or dampen this system. My experience as a therapist has taught me that a dampening of this system can contribute to numerous problems, such as disconnection, loneliness, conflict, separation, betrayal, and even the death of a marriage. But activation and intentional use of the system deepens the connection. SEEKING is the lifeblood of marriage. 

So how do we turn this system on and keep it running? Let me just briefly explain. The SEEKING system is fueled by anticipation rather than outcome. What keeps curiosity alive is not what happens, but what you expect might happen.

In marriage, when you expect connection, you lean in. When you expect rejection, you pull back. In simple terms: relationships weaken when curiosity shuts down and strengthen when it is intentionally activated.

Of course, your partner is not fully knowable—and the moment you assume they are, the SEEKING system begins to shut down. It is a little bit like walking up the Grand Canyon, peering over the rim, and saying, “Is that it?” or “Yeah, I’ve seen that before.” Our sense of awe and wonder is gone. At that point, curiosity fades—and we start relating to our partner more like a familiar playlist than a living person.

In marriage, it might sound like saying these things.

• “I knew you were going to say that.”; 
• “I used to think you had a lot of interesting things to say.”;
• “Your stories take too long.”

These statements shut down the connection and deactivate the SEEKING system. Not exactly the kind of thing that makes someone think, “Tell me more.” They often drip with condescension and criticism. The result is rejection. 

Curiosity is on life support. 

The drift of disconnection is headed downhill and fast. But the good news is, it can be recovered. 

SEEKING is a neurological impulse drive that can be recaptured with intentional efforts to explore and learn new things about our partner. This does take intentionality and effort, but maintaining curiosity pays off with deeper connections and a stronger foundation for the marriage. As mentioned above, the key to turning this system on is anticipation and expectation. Your assumption should be that exploring and understanding will bring you the best of your partner. This is how the friendship deepens. And as we change over the course of our lifetimes, we remain best friends.

The Gottmans introduced a concept called Love Maps, which is basically how well you know your partner. They have tools available for exploring and asking each other questions. You can search for Love Map questions or download the Gottman Card Decks App to your phone to access dozens of questions. 

I also recommend that you truly work on assuming the best about your partner. Even in rough moments of conflict, we need to remember that all the good in them did not somehow exit their being. It is still there. So be willing to approach and explore what may be so stressful and hurtful that their natural good is being masked. 

Last, make yourself available and willing to be open to your partner’s curiosity. If they are asking questions, give full answers. Share what you are thinking, experiencing, and feeling. This openness builds expectation, so the SEEKING system can remain active. 

I have provided a resource to help with this process. I love the board game “Would You Rather?” It often creates great conversations. I have created some Would You Rather-type questions for your discussion about your marriage. Don’t just answer the questions. Explore them. The goal is not choosing—it’s understanding. Remember you marriage is strengthened when you actively pursue your partner with curiosity.

Download the Game Below