Present and Here

Two small but powerful words – Part 1

In my book, I define Present as “a continual openness to connecting.” It means making yourself available. Why is this important? What does this look like?

Why is this important?

The reason for being Present and Here is that we are neurologically wired for connections in relationships. This attachment system is a hard-wired drive that pushes us towards safe connections (attachments) to increase our feelings of security. First described by John Bowlby in the middle of the 20th century, the attachment system was thought to be an instinctual drive for the good of infants and young children. The current thinking is that attachment is a drive that occurs across our lifespan and shapes our relationships.

Dr. John Bowlby introduced the “internal working model,” a roadmap for relationships formed from our earliest relationships (often our parents). If our earliest relationships were safe, stable, and predictable, then the roadmap in our minds allowed us to evaluate and trust future relationships based on the framework from our earliest attachments. If our early experiences in life came from unsafe, unstable, and chaotic relationships, this early roadmap would often lead to distrust and expected insecurity in future relationships.

This is why being “present” and continually open to connecting is so important in marriage. Let’s consider the marriage of a couple with different attachment roadmaps. There is a husband who grew up in a home where the earliest attachments were unsafe and chaotic. His mother left the home and never came back into his life when he was two. His father was and angry alcoholic and married a new “mom” who was strict, and verbally abusive. As this man grew into his teenage years he did everything possible to stay away from home and he left as early as he could to get away. The wife in this marriage grew up in a highly controlled home. To outsiders, her family looked loving, peaceful and well connected. But for this woman, the rigidity of the household often made he feel like she was not good enough and she struggled with significant self-doubts.

“You don’t build a bond without being present”

James Earl Jones

This husband and wife find each other in their mid-20s. She is attracted to his rugged independence and seeming lack of rigid control, while he is attracted to her ordered lifestyle and kindness. As they start to share life, all goes well initially. They are good friends, and they enjoy spending time together. The “opposites attract” principle initially works in their favor. But life and the stresses of managing a new household, including the addition of a child, begin to stress the marriage. He feels pressure to provide financial resources to cover expenses and keep up with their lifestyle. He pours himself into his work, using the old attachment road map of grit and withdrawal when relationships become chaotic. The added pressures of being a new mom and keeping the household clean and orderly are causing the old demons of self-doubt to creep in for this young wife. His increasing time away for work reinforces these feelings of insecurity. Any attempt to discuss this growing disconnection escalates into a fight, making him want to move away and her feeling more like a failure.

When each partner in the marriage risks choosing to be more present in these circumstances, then connections can be restored. By risk, I mean that they open themselves to the possibility of connections, knowing they might be rejected or disappointed. Though it is possible to be hurt emotionally when we risk being present, the only hope for reconnecting is to maintain and communicate an availability to connect. Being present is essential because it restores connection, solidifies commitment, and increases feelings of security.

What does this look like?

So, how do we demonstrate our openness to connection? It means taking risks for both sides of any connection. There is the risk of failure and the risk of vulnerability. The risk of failure is that our efforts to be available might not be received, and the risk of vulnerability is that we might not be heard. Being present is a continual openness to fine-tuning both sides of these risks to achieve the connection. Our tone of voice in any of these conversations is important. Be sure that you avoid any agitated or sarcastic tones. You can read any of these statements below with softened or sarcastic tones. The former will always be better.

Practical ways to overcome the risk of failure might include many of these ideas.

• Take ownership of your past failures.
  • “I know I have not been a good listener. I hope you can try to tell me your concerns again so I can practice and get better.”
  • “I know I have been a poor time manager. I am going to work on putting an alarm or reminder in my phone. Can I show you this new app I found to help me out?”
• Share what you plan to do in the future that is different than your past choices.
  • “I hear that you need me to be more affectionate. I am going to start by holding your hand more often and kissing you bye when we leave the house for work.”
  • “I understand that money is really tight right now. I will check in with you before making purchases over a certain amount. Can we agree on that amount together?”

Practical ways to overcome the risk of vulnerability include these ideas.

• Share your feelings about a given experience.
  • “I felt dismissed when you were paying more attention to your show on the TV than to me when I was sharing about my day at work.”
  • “I felt lonely and abandoned when you were late to my important event.”
• Share your needs on a regular basis. Be sure to make requests for what you need from your partner.
  • “I am needing you to initiate more affection. Without small affections I often feel lonely and disconnected.”
  • “I need you to be more careful with your spending. I am worried about our savings dwindling right now.”

Being present is about showing up in both vulnerable and decisive ways. It means sharing your needs and clearly stating your commitments to meet your partner’s needs. These attitudes of the heart will solidify feelings of commitment, security, and stability in the marriage.