Conflict is an unfortunate reality for many couples during the holidays. We miscommunicate about schedules. We have too many demands on our time. Feelings get hurt over a gift, or we struggle to communicate our needs during this hectic season. The conflicts during this time can lead to raised voices, withdrawal, slammed doors, and silent treatment. It is important to remember in these moments that it is not the conflict that causes harm; it is the way we manage ourselves during the conflict that becomes the problem. After 25+ years of sitting with couples, I’ve learned that the most transformative shifts come not from ‘fighting better,’ but from asking better questions. I want to offer you three questions every couple should ask during conflict.
Asking questions benefits us emotionally, cognitively, and relationally. By asking questions, we slow down and calm our limbic system (emotional system). These questions can help create a space of invitation and relational softness—helping you both shift away from blame. Finally, asking these questions helps move you both into a state of “accepting influence” that the Gottmans emphasize as crucial in their research.
The Three Questions
- What is the real fear or longing underneath what I am saying right now?
We all go through two types of emotional states – primary and secondary. Secondary emotions (anger, frustration, etc.) are often what appear in conflicts because they usually act as a shield to hide the primary emotions of fear, hurt, betrayal, disappointment, sadness, and others. This question aims to help you recognize the primary emotion behind your anger. You can use your answer to the question to modify what you say to your partner. Instead of saying, “I am so mad at you because you are always late,” you might say, “I was afraid and sad that your late arrival meant it wasn’t important to you.”
You can try to use this phrase to communicate the primary feeling or need.
“Deep down I think I am actually {feeling/wishing/needing}…
Deep down I think I am actually feeling sad and hurt.
Deep down I think I am needing better communication about your ETA.
Deep down I think I am wishing we could have more time together during this busy season.
- What does my partner need to know about me for this to make sense?
Essentially the key to all conflict resolution is vulnerability that leads to understanding. When you can answer this question and share the deeper histories, triggers, and needs about any given situation it can lead to connection versus disconnection.
A prompt you could use to share your answer to this question might be:
“For this to make sense, you should know that…”
For this to make sense, you should know that I tend to get very overwhelmed when the schedule gets too busy.
For this to make sense, you should know that I am very worried about my job right now.
For this to make sense, you should know that I had a very bad fight with my mother last week, and I am not sure I can spend any time with family right now.
In therapy some time ago, I remember a couple struggling with a disagreement over gift budgets for family members. They were caught in a conflict about overspending and being too frugal with money. The wife opened up during the session and shared her deeper hopes for generosity. She talked about growing up in a family where money was tight and how grateful she is now that her husband is successful and provides well for her and their children. She wants to be more generous and share those blessings with others. This softened the husband, who shared his own history with money being a source of childhood insecurity, and how he can be anxious about not having enough. This vulnerability sparked a deeper conversation about their money fears, leading them to create a more meaningful Christmas budget.
- What would help us move toward each other right now, not away?
In conflict, we often become “fused” or emotionally stuck on our anger. This creates a wedge of distance between us as partners. The solution is to take active steps to shift us toward what matters most or what we truly value. In a marrriage that should include each other. This question is meant to help us develop practical action steps that bring us together instead of pulling us apart.
Our practical ideas are likely to include vulnerable statements of need and taking responsibility for part of the problem.
Can we take a 30-minute break and try this later?
I really need us to speak in softer or quieter tones right now.
Can we hold hands while we talk?
I know that my being late was hurtful and caused stress.
I realize I raised my voice and used a tone that was too harsh.
Your answer to this question can allow you to make repairs and move away from gridlock towards each other. The answer to this question should be a practical small step to slow the conflict down and draw you back together.
Conflict is an Opportunity
There is no set of questions or interventions that is going to eliminate conflict from marriage. It is actually through conflict and our healthy management of conflict that we grow and become more emotionally mature and intimate. This will require the work of both of you.
It might mean having these questions written on a sheet of paper, and having one of you, in a conflict, ask the other to stop and reflect on the questions. I have created a convenient one-page handout to help with the questions. You can download it right here.
Remember when it comes to conflict:
The goal isn’t to win the fight—it is to stay connected while seeking to better understand.
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