Being Known

I am a therapist who promotes the potential healthy benefits of self-disclosure, but honestly, I am not sure that I practice that skill as much as I might encourage it. Even in my marriage, it is an area where I could grow.

In July, my wife and I had a wonderful trip to northern Michigan. We attended the National Cherry Festival in Traverse City and explored the area’s trails, rivers, and beaches. It was beautiful and magical. We ate a few cherries and had the opportunity to pick some from a local farm. During our hikes on this trip, we had many poignant and meaningful conversations. One in particular was a powerful reminder of how important it is to be known. This conversation came on the heels of a challenging experience where we both realized how our vulnerability would have been more helpful to get us through the diffculty.

One of our deepest human needs is to feel as if someone “gets us”. The Bible speaks about this deeper “knowledge” using the Hebrew word,ַדּעַת, anglicized as “yada.” In the Bible, it is often used as a euphemism for sexual intimacy, and this use has value. Physical nakedness and the sharing of bodies is a narrow expression of the much deeper sharing of mind, emotions, and soul. Real intimacy, knowing and being known, is far more than satisfying sex.

I wrote about this idea in Chapter 4 of Revolutionary Marriage. To be fully known in a marriage requires vulnerability. This means each partner is simultaneously willing to share their thoughts, feelings, and needs, while remaining receptive and understanding of their partner’s thoughts, feelings, and needs. Remaining in this safe space of invitation and openness is a challenging balancing act.

It requires a risk that we are often not willing to take. We either fear hurt and rejection from sharing our deeper selves, or that we will fail to respond adequately to our partner’s needs and let them down. The stakes associated with these risks of rejection or failure are often intensified by wounds in our past. We all carry scars of times when we felt left out, abandoned, or rejected. We can also have scars of failing others and misunderstandings that ended relationships.

When a couple takes these risks and remains in the safe space of true vulnerability, it is a deeply spiritual experience. I have witnessed it. It is sacred and beautiful. It is worth your work, attempts, failures, and triumphs to keep arriving at spaces of being known with your partner. Don’t give up.

I was recently introduced to some of Phil Madeira’s more recent music. Most of his lyrics are rich and powerful. And his song “Not Afraid of Loving You” really struck me. It is fitting for this blog post because it expresses the idea of being known so beautifully.

I mean to breathe you in
I mean to let you under my skin
Down where the blood ran scared
Of anybody who dared
To open up my soul
And find a man more half than whole
Who is willing to be known...

I mean to summon trust
And gather up these pieces of us
Within the treasure trove
Here in the evergreen grove
And you will peel the bark
Put your hand over my heart
If you're willing to be known

You can listen to the whole song here.

Don’t give up on being known within your marriage. Take the risk and invite your partner into a space or conversation where you demonstrate a willingness to understand them. Offer a bit of yourself. Who knows what might happen within this mystery.