All Emotions are a Gift! - Mark DeYoung, PhD, LMFT

I was recently shocked to see an article written not too long ago suggesting that empathy is a sin. You can read it here, but it is a corny knock-off of the brilliant C.S. Lewis Screwtape Letters. The obvious problem is the author’s claim that a good part of our humanity is sinful. The second problem is what Brene Brown says happens when discussions about emotions are “hijacked by folks who come up with new, arbitrary definitions for emotions that are completely different from how we all use the terms. They change the meaning and then argue that the emotion is ‘bad’ based on their new definitions.” According to Dr. Brown and her research, “empathy is the most powerful tool of compassion.” It is good. And for believers in God, good things come from him. This blog will attempt to present a holistic view of emotions and suggest that all emotions are a gift. I wrote a similar post a while back called Therapy in Bare Feet that you can also check out.

Emotions are Good

As a therapist, I have pondered the purposes of our emotional mind. Are emotions inconvenient annoyances that must be tamed to access our better rational mind? Are emotions an authentic, more visceral representation of how we experience the world? Maybe emotions are immaturity, leftovers from our toddler years that need repressing. Our various psychological theories and life experiences can lead in many directions with what to do with our emotions. I want to explore the idea that our emotions are a gift. Not just because God created us with emotions but because they were given as tools to support us in our journey through life.

Your emotions are good (not sinful) when properly understood and managed.
Your emotions are an aid meant to help you with your perspective and decision-making.
Your emotions, even the negative ones, are essential for healthy human development and connections.

I want to explore six of the core emotions that we all feel in varying forms throughout any given day — Anger, Sadness, Fear, Disgust, Joy, and Love (Affection). These are common to the human experience. Neuroscientists debate how many emotions are truly “core” emotions. These emotions that I am focusing on come from the work of Jan Panksepp in his book Affective Neuroscience.

Most of these emotions are negative, and it is a fact that most of our emotional states have a negative connotation or experience associated with them. We don’t necessarily like the feeling and often avoid negative states when possible. But emotions are a gift. Correctly understanding and managing negative emotional states can lead to growth, improved relationships, and overall health. We should not diminish, ignore, avoid, or minimize negative emotional states. This leads to problems. Identifying, understanding, and managing your anger, sadness, fear, etc, is always your ideal strategy.

Anger

Anger may be the biggest of all negative emotional states. It is often the most visible and can be attached to some of the worst behavior. We have all seen how anger can be misdirected into power and control. It can even be a cloak for abusive treatment of others. However, anger serves a good purpose because it alerts us to injustice or lack of equity in situations and relationships.

The correct action associated with anger should never be retaliation. It should seek justice and right the wrongs of those without power. This is the proper use of anger. Let me give a few examples and suggest how the experience of anger can be appropriately directed.

You create a plan with your cheating spouse to correct their infidelity, work in therapy to make the marriage better and establish boundaries to prevent future injuries.
You stand up for a peer who has been unfairly criticized in a public way, asking the critical party to consider apologizing for the harm they caused.
You comfort someone pushed down by an aggressive individual in a crowd.

Sadness

Sadness is experienced in many forms — crying at an event, grief, disappointment, and depression. But at the heart of these forms is the experience of loss. The most apparent type of loss that causes sadness would be the death of a beloved. But we can also experience loss of dreams, experiences, or our health. Sadness makes us aware of a lack of wholeness or connection. It points out the broken places in our lives. A healthy response to brokenness is both acceptance and making repairs where possible.

When we lose a loved one, acknowledging and grieving the loss, but also drawing close to other loved ones is healing.
When we lose a dream (lost job/opportunity, lost vacation, etc.) we need to name what will be missed, and also open ourselves to future dreams that might be realized.
When we lose our health we need to be honest about our limitations, but look for ways to live as fully as possible in the new normal.

Fear

Fear is intended to steer us from danger. The warning is that the current situation is too risky and must move towards safety. Of course, fear can be unfounded, and what makes us anxious may not need to be feared at all. The red flag moves us away from the stimulus to a place of safety so we can reevaluate the actual risk. Fear can come in the mildest of forms, such as anxiety, to the more severe phobias and terrors. But in each case, from mild to severe, the learned habit of stepping into safety and evaluating the risk is healthy. Courage is the emotion that accompanies living with fear anyway after assessing the risk and moving into circumstances that might be fear-inducing.

A rattlesnake in your path causes you to carefully back away, calm down, and choose a safer place to walk.
You have been asked to present on the new work project, and speaking makes you nervous. You take the time to evaluate your skills, contributions to the project, and honest grasp of all the issues associated with the work. This allows you to develop the courage to make the presentation despite still having some “nerves.”
Your spouse shares that they are being transferred to a new city for work, hundreds of miles from family. The two of you sit down and discuss all the possible goods of the change, risks, and challenges. This discussion gives you the confidence to take well-informed steps together.

Disgust

Disgust is a close emotional cousin to fear. It is an avoidance emotion, causing us to move away (anger, on the other hand, is an approach emotion). We should avoid objects and circumstances that evoke disgust because they risk impacting our health and well-being. Disgust should lead us to move to healthier circumstances and habits. We aren’t just discussing avoiding oysters because they are “slimy.” That is a type of disgust, but there are also relationships and circumstances that we should move away from and move towards healthier habits and relationships.

Many people feel disgusted when they read social media posts. Although disengaging can be difficult, we can do ourselves some good by avoiding posts that add to our stress. We can adopt healthier habits to relieve stress and improve our mental health.
We experience disgust when we overeat. We should allow those feelings to remind us in the future to guard against overindulging.
We might find bodily fluids like vomit or rotting dead animals disgusting. Though unappealing to think about, the practical thing about avoiding these things is obviously to protect our health. I am thankful for those whose “disgust threshold” for these things is higher than mine. We need them to help make a cleaner environment for all of us.

Joy

It is hard not to think of Disney’s animated character of the same name when we think of this emotion. Honestly, that movie does a nice job showing us what Joy’s experience is like. Joy is playful. It is an approach emotion that moves us towards enjoyment, excitement, creativity, and finding beauty in things and situations. Joy is seeing a smiling baby, a silly dog, watching an inchworm, or examining a piece of art. Joy moves us towards the good and beauty around us.

Joy allows you to experience a symphony. Not just hearing the music, but experiencing it.
Joy helps you see the natural world in all of its complexity.
Joy allows you to play a sport, practice to get better, and accomplish new goals.

Love – Affection

Love and affection are bonding emotions. They are supported by oxytocin, also known as the cuddling hormone. Love and affection deepen our bonds. This approach emotion is a gift because it motivates our connections to others. We are not made to be alone; love and affection protect us against loneliness.

Breastfeeding and sexual orgasm are both causes of large releases of oxytocin, causing us to bond.
Physical touch, such as hugs and kisses, both demonstrate affection and connect us with those that are important to us.
Love encourages us to consider the needs of others above ourselves, leading to greater feelings of value. These connections can help us make assessments about relationships that need more nurturing and those that we can allow to become more distant.

Conclusion

All emotions are a gift to support us in our journey of life. Your emotions are good because they are part of you. They are not a problem to be diminished or ignored. Your feelings can help you with understanding, insight, problem solving and decision making. Your healthy development and relationship connections are improved by engaging with your emotional self. Use your emotions (even the negative ones) to your benefit because they are a gift.

All Emotions are a Gift