Validating the image-bearing qualities of your life partner with your words fills them with life.
Dr. Mark DeYoung
The Challenge
A significant concept in the Gottman Sound Relationship model for marriage includes sharing fondness and admiration with your spouse. A flame of appreciation needs to burn within the marriage. A marriage faces trouble when the couple lets those flames die out. The Gottman’s research tells us that the healthiest couples can identify positive aspects of their history or personal attributes of their partner ninety-four percent of the time. It is their go-to thought, even under stress and challenges in the marriage. Do you admire your partner’s goodness? Do you see the best in them?
In my work with couples, I have found that many struggle with viewing their marriage as transactional. In this tit-for-tat exchange of favors, scorekeeping becomes a problem. This can make you feel like your spouse owes you or like you are giving too much. Power differences start to play out, and conflict often escalates.
On a deeper, more spiritual level, I have found that a transactional marriage can lead to “objectifying” your partner. They become a means to an end rather than a person or your partner. They become a tool, and you begin to ignore their thoughts, feelings, or individual perspectives. Their value is diminished both in your mind and in their experience. This process never happens overnight but becomes a progressive slide into disconnection and resentment.
- “I took you out for dinner, folded the laundry, and even washed the dishes. You never want to have sex with me no matter what I do for you?”
- “You never come home from work on time anymore. I clean and care for the children, but you are always out for work dinners.”
- “We went to see your family the last two holidays, you and your family are so demanding. Why can’t we just spend some time together in our home this holiday? Your family is way more important than this family.”
- “I work so hard for our money and budget, and I keep getting told how we need more. You are constantly ordering things online even though I put more than enough in the bank account each month. You have no concept of how to manage money.”
Each of these examples has some quality of “I give, and you take,” or “I give, and you don’t reciprocate.” The tone of the statements is critical and accusing. Finger-pointing in marriage is not healthy and is honestly unproductive. It is often the first step in an escalating fight, and you can already hear the fights starting from the statements above. Maybe you have been part of one of those fights.
A Better Way
There is a better way. It has to start with how we view our spouse. When you look at your spouse, what do you see? What do you think about them? What qualities do you imagine when you first reflect on who they are? Choosing to admire your partner’s goodness can be a big challenge when significant conflicts, hurts, and betrayals exist in your marriage. But those injuries do not entirely erase the intrinsic worth of their true selves.
In my Revolutionary Marriage book, I suggest that successful marriages speak words of life (Chapter 6). Speaking words of life cultivates and nurtures the most authentic goodness of your spouse. What is the spiritual value of speaking words of life?
Your spouse is an image-bearer (representation) of God, as the Bible tells us in Genesis 2. This means they carry within them the intrinsic fingerprint of the creator of the universe. This fingerprint is best seen in the life of Jesus, but we all have it and hopefully attempt to emulate it. Of course, we don’t do this perfectly, and our struggles here can contribute to our hurts in our marriages.
Our imperfect display of the fingerprinted goodness in each of us does not mean it is not there. Remember, God’s description of his creation was “good.” But after creating Adam and Eve, he said they were “very good.” Human beings exist at a pinnacle of goodness in God’s creation order. The person next to you in your marriage that you share life with is part of that “very good” order. God views them that way, and when we can view our spouse the way God views them, we are well on our way to the fondness and admiration that the Gottmans found so beneficial in marriages.
Say How You Admire Your Partner’s Goodness
We spend a whole session on this topic at my Revolutionary Marriage Conferences. It can be challenging to see the “goodness” of my partner through the lens of their past choices, disappointments, hurts, and betrayals. And, of course, there are times when those betrayals are significant enough that reconciliation is neither wise nor recommended. But I assume we are not discussing those situations in this blog. For most of us reading this blog, the goal must be moving toward the ideal of mutual sacrifice in marriage.
We should treat each other with love and respect. Doing this allows you to look at your spouse and see their “goodness.” But it can’t just stop at seeing their goodness—we must validate that goodness in them. Proverbs 15:4a says, “Gentle words are a tree of life…” Validating the image-bearing qualities of your life partner with your words fills them with life.
N.T. Wright, historian and theologian, defines evil as “anything that denies the good of God’s creation.” We should be careful to avoid denying the goodness of our spouses because they are truly good image-bearers. Satan is the great accuser, so let’s not join in his work of accusation. We need to speak words that bring life, fondness, and admiration between partners.
Let’s look back at the example statements above. Is there possibly some way we could approach these situations with a more validating, admiring tone? Maybe you can choose to admire your partner’s goodness and solve a problem at the same time.
- “When I look at all the household chores and responsibilities, I get overwhelmed. I am reminded of your organizational skills and determination to have a home running smoothly. I do want to help you out, so please let me know what you need. I also know that all these demands can be draining and distract from our time together. I miss time with you and I need some time to just be together, the two of us.”
- “I have been lonely and missing you. You have a great spirit of determination to be successful and care for me through your work. So, I know why you have to be at work dinners; it can just make me feel disconnected from you. I need us to have some regular times together for dinner as a family.”
- “I know how deeply you love your family, and that shows in the way you prioritize our family. I have honestly appreciated the good memories we have had with your family through the years. I need us to consider having a time for just our family to create some experiences and traditions for our own home?”
- “You have such a generous spirit. I have benefited from your many thoughtful gifts. I have been growing concerned about our budget lately, as we have been cutting things pretty tight. It makes me worried. I need us to work on a plan together to possibly tighten our spending until we can grow our savings a little more.”
Conclusion
We are headed into a season this Thanksgiving. There would be no better use of our energy than to express thanksgiving, gratitude, and admiration for our spouses. Maybe you can list some of the qualities, gifts, abilities, and values that define your spouse. Find ways to complement and show your gratitude for them. Hoping and pray that your holiday season is filled with greater appreciation, gratitude, and deeper connections.
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