In the last 2-3 years, there has been an avalanche of high-profile Christian leaders and pastors who have fallen morally by betraying their marriages through affairs. The most recent is Philip Yancey, a highly successful author and speaker. Living in the information age has made us increasingly aware of marriage betrayals and creates an illusion of increased frequency, when in reality marital affairs have always occurred at a pretty consistent rate across human history. Research shows that 22% of men and 14% of women have cheated at least once during their married life. Affairs affect 1 in 2.7 couples (data from the Gottman Institute). These numbers are too high, and we are shocked to see Christian leaders have such public moral failings, given the higher expectations we place on them because of their position. Stories like this lead us to ask many questions, and as a marriage therapist, one of the primary questions I ask is, “Why affairs?”
The answer to that question is complex. We often assume that affairs result from a sexless marriage, a sex addiction, or a high-conflict relationship. However, these explanations are overly simplistic; although any one of the above factors might be involved, the actual reasons for an affair in a given couple are complex.
I would like to explore three core domains of the marital relationship to better understand the risks of an affair and to develop strategies to protect the marriage against that risk.
- Friendship and Boundaries Breakdown
The most foundational aspect of any healthy marriage is a secure friendship. Being best friends is the best way to start a marriage, and staying friends over the years provides the rich connections needed to manage life’s stresses. But over time, if the friendship fades and boundaries become less clear—meaning partners seek primary emotional support from relationships outside the marriage—the marriage is at risk. Please note that this breakdown does not happen overnight.
I am not suggesting that married partners cannot have friends outside the marriage. I am suggesting that when your spouse is no longer your “best” friend, and you seek primary emotional support from others, you may be putting yourself in a danger zone for an affair. This can lead to less clear boundaries and commitments. - Emotional Drift and Increased Conflict
Closely connected to the first warning sign is emotional drift, followed by increased conflict. Couples sustain and even deepen intimacy through emotional connection. This requires vulnerability about our struggles, needs, and hopes. When we stop sharing parts of ourselves that lie below the observable surface, we disconnect.
These disconnections contribute to misunderstandings and, eventually, increased conflict. All couples experience conflict to some degree, but conflict arising from disconnection is often characterized by greater criticism, defensiveness, and contempt. These are all members of the Four Horsemen, as identified by the Gottman Institute. Allowing the Four Horsemen to go unabated and unmanaged in your marriage places you at a 95% risk of divorce within 7 years. - Loss of Vision and Values
Why do we get married? What is the purpose of marriage? I think these are good questions for a couple to ask, and they can help tease out the values central to any given marriage. Many people find the beginnings of the answers to these questions in their faith communities, and I would agree that it is a good place to start. However, I also think it is worth considering each marriage on its own merits.
Marriages offer a gift to each partner and to the community they touch. When a marriage reaches its end, what do you hope to have offered to others, including your children, other family, and good friends? When we start to lose sight of and connection to these guiding principles, our marriage is at risk of betrayal, such as an affair.
Those three ideas above give you a sense of the varied and complicated reasons for why affairs. Let me give you a few recommendations to help potentially protect your marriage from a future affair.
- Protect and Grow your Friendship
Friendship is likely what connected the two of you initially. You probably have fond memories of dating and the experiences and activities you shared. What do you enjoy now in this time of your life? What activities might you really enjoy together? Make time to regularly do fun things together. These can be small activities at home, such as playing a game or working on gardening or landscaping. Or it could entail greater time or expense commitments, such as travel or season tickets to the local Broadway theater company. Whatever you choose, you are predictably and consistently making time for each other in a way that says, “I am committed to you and our friendship.” - Commit to Regular Vulnerable Conversations
People sometimes hesitate to talk about feelings. Even if you consider yourself a logical person, you have moment-by-moment inner thoughts and feelings that, unless stated overtly, can only be assumed or guessed. Your marriage needs regular time to talk about what is going on inside you. How do you feel about a given circumstance or situation? What are you excited about or struggling with? The Gottmans recommend a weekly “State of the Union” in which each partner shares some feelings or thoughts about how they are doing over the past few days, and their partner listens with the intent to understand. Responses (summaries) to shared material are empathetic and don’t attempt to solve a problem. Partners alternate roles in the conversation so each has a chance to share and listen. - Seek Support and Help
Every couple can struggle at times to navigate and troubleshoot the rocky waters of marriage. If this is your marriage, don’t hesitate to seek help. Find mentors, talk to your pastor, or call a marriage therapist. Often, the cost of marriage therapy is substantially lower than that of a divorce attorney. It is worthwhile to try to resolve the challenges between you. Conversations with a trusted advisor often help clarify the values and dreams most important to both of you. This refocusing can help your marriage return to a healthy track.
What are the reasons for why affairs occur? The answers are clearly varied and complicated. But a couple’s commitment to protect what is precious between them is worth the effort. Be Friends, Be Vulnerable, and Be Willing to seek help.
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