GRIEF/PANIC

Lost in Wall Drug

As a little boy, I got lost at Wall Drug in South Dakota. I don’t remember much except two overwhelming feelings: grief and panic. I had lost connection with the people who made me feel safe.

We often think those feelings belong to childhood, but they don’t. They show up in marriages every day.

When Threat Enters the Marriage Picture

In the last two months of our Emotional Systems of Marriage blog series, we have explored the foundational components of emotional connection — SEEKING and CARE. At the end of last month, I posed the question: What happens when you anticipate or actually lose the connections in your marriage? The answer is GRIEF/PANIC. One of the most helpful insights from Jaak Panksepp’s work is that this GRIEF/PANIC system explains our response to real or anticipated disconnection from our most meaningful relationships. 

You see, conflict is not the most critical problem in most marriages. Under most marital conflicts lies the panic of losing connection. Our emotional bonds are powerful, and our brains are wired to react when those bonds are at risk. 

That reaction is often what John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, called Protest. Our minds are wired to protest when we fear losing important connections, whether it is an infant crying, a teen slamming a door, or a marriage partner engaging in criticism or defensiveness. 

Marriage Has Its Own Forms of Protest

Some protests are quiet, and others are loud. Some protests pursue, while others withdraw. Some protests are attacks, and others are a passive invitation. Regardless, they all ask the same question, “Are you here for me?”

Among couples, protest often ignites a pursue/withdrawal dynamic that can escalate conflict. The pursuing partner is trying to say, “Come closer.” The partner who withdraws is trying to say, “I’m overwhelmed. Give me some space.” Here is the key: the attachment protest and the subsequent pursue/withdrawal dance are just warning signals. Behind almost every protest is the fear of losing someone who matters.

A Different Way to See the Horsemen

In couples work, I have often found it useful to view a partner’s use of Gottman’s Four Horsemen as attachment protest, a warning of GRIEF/PANIC. The popular perspective of the Four Horsemen (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling) is to characterize them as pathologies to be removed. But viewing them as a form of protest fosters empathy and may help repair disconnection. Maybe we should consider that our partner is trying to say something important. 

Horsemen	Attachment Protest
Criticism	“Please hear my pain.”
Defensiveness	“Please don’t reject me.”
Contempt	“I’ve stopped believing you really care.”
Stonewalling	“I’m overwhelmed.”

From this perspective, protest is helpful, not a hindrance. The horsemen may not be so ominous. Maybe they are just ponies. So the next time you experience a protest from your partner, don’t ask, “How do I stop or change their behavior?” The better question is, “What connection is my partner afraid of losing?” Almost every protest is an attempt to preserve connection.

Next month, we will look at what happens when attachment trauma is activated—FEAR.

Below is the resource download for this month — Taming the Horseponies.